- Violet-colored lasers are the best choice for vaporizing human targets from space
- Shady military officials spend all day watching infomercials on yet-to-be-invented secret weapons
- The CIA officers kill off their only black guy because he doesn’t want to participate in their immoral project, just so that the audience knows how evil and dangerous they are (Cronan would be very disappointed)
- A 15-year-old with an impressive exhibit at a regional science fair can skip high school and go straight to college
- In the 80s, getting mice drunk in the name of science wouldn’t get PETA’s attention
- The CIA relies on teenage students to develop it’s top-secret weaponry
- Chris Knight is the only person who dreams about naked women throwing little pickles at him
- “Getting Down” verbally with freshman involves confusing whether or not you should check your references
- Dorm room closets are a fine place to put an entrance to a secret lair
- Sycophantic student antagonists who get too sexually frustrated wear mock turtlenecks
- Geniuses don’t waste money on coffee, they use dry ice slugs because f@#k the system!
- Mock turtlenecks are a sign that you’re fairly rare and very unstable
- Auto-electroshock therapy is an excellent way to treat a stutter
- Nudity is the best way to keep change in your pockets, should gravity reverse itself
- Students having mental breakdowns in the commons of Pacific Tech is not noteworthy
- An “I ❤ Toxic Waste” t-shirt is a good way to demonstrate your disdain for authority figures
- Geniuses have groupies too!
- Female geniuses have bowl-cuts, no social boundaries and never sleep
- Darlington Electronic Instruments Inc. isn’t stuffy about dress codes. And also, they have a Jacuzzi!
- Urinals are a great place to find a captive audience
- Being a laborer is what you get for not having an education
- Dr. Hathaway, who is concerned about being seen with CIA crony, builds large, conspicuous house with no apparent explanation as to how it was paid for
- Real geniuses rely on laser beams to guide them to important and expository destinations, such as Hawaiian-themed parties and satanic burger joints
- Inviting student beauticians to a Hawaiian-theme party is the only chance nerds have of ever getting laid
- Eating hamburgers gives you very large breasts
- Sycophantic student antagonists enjoy doing their professor’s laundry
- Renting out your son’s bedroom to your plumber is the best way to motivate him to stay in school
- Seeing a Lazlo in his pajamas is the most disgusting thing you can ever see
- High-powered laser experimentation doesn’t require adult supervision
- If you’re ever caught naked with a bowl of Jello, just tell them you were hot and hungry!
- Burning 12″ diameter holes in school property won’t get you expelled from Pacific Tech
- 15 is an appropriate age to be propositioned by a genius groupie (she did wait 3 years after all)
- 15-year-old geniuses prefer their first sexual experience to be with a socially awkward 19-year-old insomniac to an attractive and experienced older women
- Jesus wants you to stop playing with yourself
- Top secret military computers use 6-character passwords
- Being 4 hours late is a valid reason to ignore air-force base security protocols
- Lasers are a young science
- Dr. Hathaway can hammer a six-inch spike through a board…with his penis
- It is possible to synthesize excited bromide in an argon matrix
- Space lasers pop (but don’t disintegrate or char) popcorn kernels
- Popcorn (in large doses) is lethal to houses
- Prerecorded lectures are an acceptable substitute for actual teaching
- REAL Geniuses exploit sweepstakes rules to fulfill their materialistic needs
- Sponsoring a professor’s public access science show also obligates you to employee any graduate he recommends
- The best way to get even with your enemies is to take apart their car and reassemble it in their dorm room
- Lazlo’s computer is particularly adept at heightening suspense using 16-color CGA screen-savers
- ‘Dipshit’ is a good name for a first-born child
- It’s a good idea to wear Ray-Bans in lieu of proper eye protection when testing 6MW lasers because the audience needs to be reminded who the cool one is
- Any problem can be solved with a catchy 80’s pop song and a montage
- Getting even is a moral imperative
Quizzes
This morning, whilst eating my artificially-flavored cardboard doused in 2% milk (regularity helps stave off exposure to PowerPoint), I got a message from my new twitter friend, “Chistina M.” (@cmartinvacay). She wanted me to take her cool quiz, and promised me an awesome bonus!
A good relationship is all about reciprocity, so I replied:
“I don’t usually do the quizzes, Chrissy, but I’ll make you a deal. Study my presentation on how PowerPoint is the Devil, answer the following question correctly and I will take your quiz.
Q1. Holding down CTRL + ALT while clicking the ‘π’ symbol in the lower right-hand corner of a Mozart’s Ghost-themed presentation will:
a. Give Sandra Bullock the power of Epilepsy
b. Summon Steve Ballmer
c. Cover Walt Mossberg in Crisco
d. All of the above
e. None of the above”
I think that’s fair. Quid pro quo and all that mess!
Important Quotes
“Every night, I sleep in a hammock made from the bones of my enemies. And once, this is true, in a misguided effort to impress Angie Dickinson, I swallowed a philips screwdriver!”
– Larry King
Meatloaf’s Name is Robert Paulson!
Ingredients
Ketchup glaze
- 3/4 cup ketchup
- 2 tbsps brown sugar
Meat
- 3 lbs ground pork sausage
- 3 lbs ground beef (80/20)
- 15 oz italian bread crumbs
- 1 lbs bacon
- 2 whole eggs
Vegetables
- 1 lbs sweet peppers (red, orange, green) diced
- 1 large green bell pepper diced
- 1 large white onion diced
- 3 tbsps garlic minced
- 1 tbsp rice vinegar
- 2 tbsps olive oil extra virgin
Servings:
Instructions
Meatloaf
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Dice all of the vegetables and place them a large bowl. Keep your pistols nearby for motivational purposes.
- Add vinegar to the diced vegetables and mix well. Lightly sweat the vegetables in the olive oil. Combine the ground beef, sausage, vegetables, breadcrumbs and eggs into a large roasting or loaf pan. Pound with fists into cookie dough (imagine you're destroying something beautiful).
- Lay strips of bacon in a lattice pattern over the top of the bitch tit. If unsure how to do this, please refer to the Crazy Russian Hacker's instructional video (http://tiny.cc/u76a2x).
- Cover the Robert Paulson and place in the oven for 1 hour (or until his rectal temperature reaches 165 degrees).
Ketchup Glaze
- While Meatloaf is baking-off, combine ketchup and sugar in a small sauce pan over low heat - stirring constantly. Pour over the Meatloaf in the last 15 minutes of cooking time.
Recipe Notes
Instruct your guests to bring:
- 2 pairs of black shirt
- 2 pairs of black pants
- 1 pair of combat boots
- Two pairs of black socks
- One black jacket
- $300 personal burial money
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PowerPoint is the Devil
Yes, your PowerPoint is the Devil!
No one should ever use it! To make certain that this point is crystal clear, I’ve put together a brief, 13-slide PowerPoint Presentation, saved in PDF format, which, as everyone knows, is proof against it’s evil animated powers!
Meat Puppetry: My Room…
“My room is a graveyard of empty pickled sausage jars in a swamp of spit bottles and chicks with dicks jokes.” ~ Big Jim, July 21, 2015
Dead End Job or Fieldwork? A Matter of Perspective!
I started a new job today. The kind of low paying, entry-level position that comes complete with a company shirt, name tag and ball cap. Perfect for someone who is half my age or more. The kind of job I would otherwise be ashamed of having, considering where I think I should be by this point in my life. However, such thinking has neither lead me to happiness or fulfillment..
So, instead of getting depressed about having to wear a dirty apron, stand over a hot fryer and scrape food pans into the trash, I will try to focus on what I can take away from the place:
- It is an honest living – there’s no shame in that
- Beats the hell out of some of the other things I’ve done for a living…
- I get to meet new and interesting people
Of those points, the last one got me thinking about how I could put a positive spin on this situation: I’m going to start thinking of my job as undercover participant observation – a form of ethnographic field work. Delusional? Without a doubt, but at least it will be fun!
I could conduct informal interviews, maybe even map the social dynamics between co-workers, management and customers. The alternative is just the same treadmill of frustration I have been running myself ragged on for years now in a seemingly endless parade of joe jobs.
On a positive note, they have enabled me to amass an impressive collection of nametags and hairnets (you’ll have to forgive the shameless Wayne’s World reference 🙂 )…
Besides, you’d be surprised at just how willing people are to tell their stories – if only you’d take the time to ask. And who doesn’t like a good story? I certainly do…so tell me, what’s your story?
Procrastination and Projects
A couple months ago I picked up an AR-15 lower receiver with the intention of building, owning and eventually firing my first AR style rifle! So far, this has consisted of me staring at the lower receiver and parts kit as they collect dust on the shelf…
Well no longer! I finally got up the motivation to go out to the garage and gather up the tools I will need to assemble the parts I do have. I plan on this being a longer term project as quality parts are not cheap, and I am on a rather limited budget. I figure it will take me a few months (at the very least) to save up the required cash to purchase the hardware that will be needed to assemble an operating rifle.
Taking time will also give me the added benefit of researching the staggering array of custom options the AR platform offers.
I will need to pick a stock…
- Plain Jane classic fixed A2?
- Multi position mall ninja tacticool Magpul ?
- Something entirely different?
Barrel length and caliber…
- Do I bother filling out the NFA paper work, set up a trust, and go with that awesome looking 8 inch SBR setup in .300 Blackout?
- Maybe Bambi slaying .458 SOCOM?
- Regular old 5.56mm?
The All-Important Personalized Dust Cover! ™ with something witty on to show that my rifle is not to be confused with any of the other little black rifles out there today!
How many rails will it have? And what should be attached to them? Vertical fore grip? Angled fore grip? Flashlights, optics, laser sights. Maybe no rails at all so I can keep it high speed and low drag?
The choices in flash hiders and muzzle devices is enough to overwhelm the brain alone!
This says nothing about things like magazine wraps, slings, custom grips and the host of other parts that will need to be contemplated over before it all comes together as fully functioning machine.
So, before I put too much thought behind getting whatever newfangled, hi-tech, super-coated bolt and carrier out on the market (that I can not yet afford), I need to start with what I got.
I will be spending the rest of the evening watching YouTube videos on how to assemble all the tiny springs, detent pins and other bits and pieces that go into a lower receiver.
Almost like Legos for big kids…
Stay Tuned!
Hello World!
c:\>helloworld.bat
@ECHO OFF :10 COLOR 05 ECHO HelL0 World!!! COLOR 04 ECHO He1lo World!!! COLOR 06 ECHO h3llo World!!! COLOR 07 ECHO hEllo ~ World!!! COLOR 02 ECHO hello w0rld!!! COLOR 03 ECHO Hell0 Wor1d!!! COLOR 01 ECHO HelLo WorlD!!! GOTO 10
SPAM, meet Lead!
It’s amazing how soon comment spammers start creeping in so soon after a fresh site’s creation! While I give them a ‘D’ for determination, I’ve setup enough of these to know how to handle them…
Disclaimer: No worthless spambots or their masters were harmed in the making of the this post. Instead, an anti-spam plugin was deployed, and has discarded a metric crap tonne of junk comments…still, the illustration above looks like a lot more fun :)…