Author: Big Jim

Joie de vivre, frugal gourmet, sybarite, aspiring author extraordinary, neo-pessimist philosopher, devout atheist, professional clown, amateur subversive, and individualist by choice.

Why You Should Own a Primate

I just ate a pile of cornbread stuffing and two pork chops. I really just want to lay back for a nap while a helper monkey massages my balls.

I’d name him ‘Okinawan Karate Champ Erh Ku’, and make him his own little welding sleeves so he could operate the portable 880,000 BTU afterburner I use for cooking stir fry (a hint of singed monkey hair is the secret to authentic Cantonese flavor).

Big Jim’s Wisconsin Survival Guide

So, you are unfamiliar with the Dairy State?

Might want to know a few things before committing to the move?

I know I could have used some insight to help blend in with the locals when I first arrived! Here are a few tips that will help you fit in and avoid being chased by an angry, cheese-hat wearing mob:

  • There are just three seasons in Wisconsin: Deer season, Green Bay Packer season and mosquito season…and they overlap
  • Cheese can be added to anything! In fact, it can be a complete meal in and of itself.  e.g. beer and cheese soup..recipe coming soon!
  • Milk is sold in plastic bags
  • You are more likely to be shown pictures of caught fish than their children
  • The entire state shuts down opening day of deer season
  • You’d better be a Packers fan and never say you don’t watch football! You’ll be looked at like you just landed on Earth!
  • Beer is a food group
  • Bucky Badger is a demigod, peace and blessings upon him
  • Wearing Mossy Oak pants and a blaze orange sweatshirt is semi-formal attire
  • Snow is a great beer cooler
  • Fishing isn’t a hobby, pastime or sport – it is a fucking passion!
  • If you don’t own at least one boat, people will view you with distrust and apprehension
  • Never ever say you don’t like Culver’s Butter Burgers – them be fightin’ words!
  • Ed Gein or Jeffrey Dahmer don’t make for good table conversation topics
  • If you are from Chicago or New York, you will never have pizza again as you know it!
  • Bratwurst is acceptable for breakfast, and even encouraged!
  • Don’t let the snow fret you, the icy rain that will inevitably follow is much worse
  • Famous Dave’s barbecue is the best in the World! To say otherwise is akin to saying you hate Wisconsin…and Native Americans!
  • Although you can’t enter a tobacco store until you’re 18, you can play with Barbie dolls on a pool table in a tavern at the age of 3
  • Milwaukee is Algonquin for, “The good land.” Alice Cooper said that, and I believe it, and you’d better believe it too you unworthy cretin!
  • Outside of the authoritarian egalitarian progressive liberal hellhole, the good people of Wisconsin love their guns!
  • Towns have more bars than churches. Praise be Bacchus!
  • There are many small stores that sell everything from guns, ammo, food, beer, camo clothing and bait all under one roof!
  • Indian casinos, ’nuff said…
  • Everyone smokes, nobody quits
  • Wisconsin natives can’t even spell al pastor taco let alone make a decent one!
  • Frank’s Hot Sauce is not only considered to be good, but spicy
  • Sausage gravy comes from a can or packet; biscuits are of the frozen variety
  • People think Chili is something made with elbow macaroni
  • Cottage cheese is a substitute for ricotta in lasagna
  • You can trade smoked fish for a 4 wheel drive vehicle or snowmobile!
  • Most bars worth their salt have a monthly gun raffle
  • Between 2 and 5 A.M. Kwik Trip is considered fine dining
  • Skiing is done on small hills, not mountains
  • Ducks are amphibious vehicles!
  • Fish fries are important community events
  • Thar’ be bears!

A Sad Day for Fellow Amerifats in Burgerstan…

Dr. Burger ‘Luther’ King, Jr. had a dream: That one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of the Big Mac and the sons of the Whopper would be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood, and combine to form the fabled McWhopper!

But alas, this dream is dead and buried. Heir Steve, the CEO of McDowner had this to say in response:

Dear Burger King,

Inspiration for a good cause… great idea.

We love the intention but think our two brands could do something bigger to make a difference.

We commit to raise awareness worldwide, perhaps you’ll join us in a meaningful global effort?

And every day, let’s acknowledge that between us there is simply a friendly business competition and certainly not the unequaled circumstances of the real pain and suffering of war.

We’ll be in touch.

-Steve, McDonald’s CEO

P.S. A simple phone call will do next time.

Note Steve’s (or whoever writes his statements for him) masterful verbal jujitsu! Each sentence is dripping with a ripe mixture of sarcasm and vitriol, like a greasy quarter-pound slap to the face and genitals! In Savate, it is called a ‘Royale wid Cheese!’ You know, because they got the metric system!

Of course, this isn’t the first time McDonald’s has drop kicked everything that made America great with a size-15 red, shiny clown-boot to the head! Let us not forget you, dear Hot Mustard dipping sauce, nectar of the Gods! Ye, who always kept it real, representing all that is good and just in the world…

That is, until Ronald McFucknuts decided to discontinue it in favor that cheep hussy known as the habenero ranch sauce. As if we wouldn’t know the difference?

Fries, McMuffin and Big Mac…all RUINED without that delicious, tangy tan elixir.
That sauce was concentrated childhood nostalgia in tiny plastic peel-top form. I wish I could have stock piled it, but alas – too late, too late :(.

Bring it back, you McBastards, BRING IT BAAAACK!

Titus Pullo’ed Pork

Print Recipe
This sandwich is worth half the whores in Narbo (and their mothers)! Serves: The entire 13th legion! Well a couple of them anyhow... Prep: I don't know, you're the clever one!! Cook Time: Enough time to drink all the wine, smoke all the smoke and f*** every whore in the city!
Print Recipe
This sandwich is worth half the whores in Narbo (and their mothers)! Serves: The entire 13th legion! Well a couple of them anyhow... Prep: I don't know, you're the clever one!! Cook Time: Enough time to drink all the wine, smoke all the smoke and f*** every whore in the city!
Ingredients
Servings:
Instructions
  1. This is an easy dish to make. Just toss all the mumping ingredients into a large electric roaster and set the cack-faced dial to 225 degree F.
  2. Add enough water to cover about a quarter of the roast and let it cook until it falls apart. Perfect slow cook dish to set up overnight while sleeping!
  3. Shred the pork up and serve on a toasted ciabatta (or any other true roman bread, for true romans...ciabatta probably isn't, but shut up and eat it anyhow...) making sure the bread is wet as October with the broth. Great with a bit of spicy giardiniera if you like it hot as Vulcan's cock.
Recipe Notes

Before eating, make sure stab the sandwich with your Gladius repeatedly while shouting, "THIRTEEEEEENTH!!! THIRTEEEEEEEEEENTH!!!"

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Meat Puppetry: Photographs

“The last time we [Joe and Jim] were close enough to be photographed together, a gravitational singularity occurred. This resulted in the destruction of a small convenience store and goat farm in eastern Oregon. It’s for the best that we don’t post pictures now. Think of the goats.” – Big Jim, August 24, 2015

Meatloaf’s Name is Robert Paulson!

Print Recipe
This is Bob...err...Meatloaf...Meatloaf has bitch-tits. Serves 4-8 people, but only two at a time. Prep for as long as you need. Cook until one person taps out or goes unconscious.
Print Recipe
This is Bob...err...Meatloaf...Meatloaf has bitch-tits. Serves 4-8 people, but only two at a time. Prep for as long as you need. Cook until one person taps out or goes unconscious.
Ingredients
Ketchup glaze
Meat
Vegetables
Servings:
Instructions
Meatloaf
  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Dice all of the vegetables and place them a large bowl. Keep your pistols nearby for motivational purposes.
  2. Add vinegar to the diced vegetables and mix well. Lightly sweat the vegetables in the olive oil. Combine the ground beef, sausage, vegetables, breadcrumbs and eggs into a large roasting or loaf pan. Pound with fists into cookie dough (imagine you're destroying something beautiful).
  3. Lay strips of bacon in a lattice pattern over the top of the bitch tit. If unsure how to do this, please refer to the Crazy Russian Hacker's instructional video (http://tiny.cc/u76a2x).
  4. Cover the Robert Paulson and place in the oven for 1 hour (or until his rectal temperature reaches 165 degrees).
Ketchup Glaze
  1. While Meatloaf is baking-off, combine ketchup and sugar in a small sauce pan over low heat - stirring constantly. Pour over the Meatloaf in the last 15 minutes of cooking time.
Recipe Notes

Instruct your guests to bring:

- 2 pairs of black shirt
- 2 pairs of black pants
- 1 pair of combat boots
- Two pairs of black socks
- One black jacket
- $300 personal burial money

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Dead End Job or Fieldwork? A Matter of Perspective!

I started a new job today. The kind of low paying, entry-level position that comes complete with a company shirt, name tag and ball cap. Perfect for someone who is half my age or more. The kind of job I would otherwise be ashamed of having, considering where I think I should be by this point in my life.  However, such thinking has neither lead me to happiness or fulfillment..

deadend_job

So, instead of getting depressed about having to wear a dirty apron, stand over a hot fryer and scrape food pans into the trash, I will try to focus on what I can take away from the place:

  1. It is an honest living – there’s no shame in that
  2. Beats the hell out of some of the other things I’ve done for a living…
  3. I get to meet new and interesting people

Of those points, the last one got me thinking about how I could put a positive spin on this situation: I’m going to start thinking of my job as undercover participant observation – a form of ethnographic field work. Delusional? Without a doubt, but at least it will be fun!

I could conduct informal interviews, maybe even map the social dynamics between co-workers, management and customers. The alternative is just the same treadmill of frustration I have been running myself ragged on for years now in a seemingly endless parade of joe jobs.

On a positive note, they have enabled me to amass an impressive collection of nametags and hairnets (you’ll have to forgive the shameless Wayne’s World reference 🙂 )…

Besides, you’d be surprised at just how willing people are to tell their stories – if only you’d take the time to ask. And who doesn’t like a good story? I certainly do…so tell me, what’s your story?