“It’s like that scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where that guy I kinda look like rips that dude’s heart of out of his chest and shows it to him before he dies. That’s some ‘Mortal Kombat’ finishing move shit right there!”
– Satya Nadella on Windows 10…probably
Windows 10 has brought with it some glorious new features as some users have discovered. One fine young gentleman in particular caught my attention:
- Bill Gates left Microsoft over a year and a half ago, and was replaced by Satya Nadella, who is clearly doing a fine job!
- Your mouse pad isn’t working because you haven’t upgraded its driver to Windows 10. The firmware is corrupt, so you need to take it outside and beat it against the side of your shed repeatedly until it becomes soft and pliable again.
- You don’t need speakers or the internet, both are obsolete features that Windows 10 no longer requires – these have been replaced by an infinite repair loop.
- You can’t restore your previous Windows because Satya threw a brick through them. He’s angry at you and wants your business to fail. You must appease him with a modest donation of two thousand pan masala wrappers while chanting, “Satya Ma! Satya Ma Shakti De!”
- You are indeed trapped by Microsoft and should accept your Karma. If you are lucky, you will be reincarnated into a Linux or Mac user.
“It’s hard to kill a horse with a flute.”
– Blind Man, Circle of Iron
“When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it.”
– Yogi Berra
Addendum A: If you’ve ever run out of forks, you will understand.
Addendum B: Also, it’s not stealing if you call, “dibs.”
Addendum C: You don’t even have to wash it first, germs are good for you and put hair on your chest!
“I was going to do some research into contemporary Christian music.. but then I realized that I would not only learn more by performing a lobotomy on myself with a dull spoon and a set of chopsticks while guzzling cough syrup, I would still end up losing fewer functioning brain cells!” – Big Jim, August 29, 2015
So, you are unfamiliar with the Dairy State?
Might want to know a few things before committing to the move?
I know I could have used some insight to help blend in with the locals when I first arrived! Here are a few tips that will help you fit in and avoid being chased by an angry, cheese-hat wearing mob:
- There are just three seasons in Wisconsin: Deer season, Green Bay Packer season and mosquito season…and they overlap
- Cheese can be added to anything! In fact, it can be a complete meal in and of itself. e.g. beer and cheese soup..recipe coming soon!
- Milk is sold in plastic bags
- You are more likely to be shown pictures of caught fish than their children
- The entire state shuts down opening day of deer season
- You’d better be a Packers fan and never say you don’t watch football! You’ll be looked at like you just landed on Earth!
- Beer is a food group
- Bucky Badger is a demigod, peace and blessings upon him
- Wearing Mossy Oak pants and a blaze orange sweatshirt is semi-formal attire
- Snow is a great beer cooler
- Fishing isn’t a hobby, pastime or sport – it is a fucking passion!
- If you don’t own at least one boat, people will view you with distrust and apprehension
- Never ever say you don’t like Culver’s Butter Burgers – them be fightin’ words!
- Ed Gein or Jeffrey Dahmer don’t make for good table conversation topics
- If you are from Chicago or New York, you will never have pizza again as you know it!
- Bratwurst is acceptable for breakfast, and even encouraged!
- Don’t let the snow fret you, the icy rain that will inevitably follow is much worse
- Famous Dave’s barbecue is the best in the World! To say otherwise is akin to saying you hate Wisconsin…and Native Americans!
- Although you can’t enter a tobacco store until you’re 18, you can play with Barbie dolls on a pool table in a tavern at the age of 3
- Milwaukee is Algonquin for, “The good land.” Alice Cooper said that, and I believe it, and you’d better believe it too you unworthy cretin!
- Outside of the authoritarian egalitarian progressive liberal hellhole, the good people of Wisconsin love their guns!
- Towns have more bars than churches. Praise be Bacchus!
- There are many small stores that sell everything from guns, ammo, food, beer, camo clothing and bait all under one roof!
- Indian casinos, ’nuff said…
- Everyone smokes, nobody quits
- Wisconsin natives can’t even spell al pastor taco let alone make a decent one!
- Frank’s Hot Sauce is not only considered to be good, but spicy
- Sausage gravy comes from a can or packet; biscuits are of the frozen variety
- People think Chili is something made with elbow macaroni
- Cottage cheese is a substitute for ricotta in lasagna
- You can trade smoked fish for a 4 wheel drive vehicle or snowmobile!
- Most bars worth their salt have a monthly gun raffle
- Between 2 and 5 A.M. Kwik Trip is considered fine dining
- Skiing is done on small hills, not mountains
- Ducks are amphibious vehicles!
- Fish fries are important community events
- Thar’ be bears!