50 Things I learned from Watching Real Genius

  1. Violet-colored lasers are the best choice for vaporizing human targets from space
  2. Shady military officials spend all day watching infomercials on yet-to-be-invented secret weapons
  3. The CIA officers kill off their only black guy because he doesn’t want to participate in their immoral project, just so that the audience knows how evil and dangerous they are (Cronan would be very disappointed)
  4. A 15-year-old with an impressive exhibit at a regional science fair can skip high school and go straight to college
  5. In the 80s, getting mice drunk in the name of science wouldn’t get PETA’s attention
  6. The CIA relies on teenage students to develop it’s top-secret weaponry
  7. Chris Knight is the only person who dreams about naked women throwing little pickles at him
  8. “Getting Down” verbally with freshman involves confusing whether or not you should check your references
  9. Dorm room closets are a fine place to put an entrance to a secret lair
  10. Sycophantic student antagonists who get too sexually frustrated wear mock turtlenecks
  11. Geniuses don’t waste money on coffee, they use dry ice slugs because f@#k the system!
  12. Mock turtlenecks are a sign that you’re fairly rare and very unstable
  13. Auto-electroshock therapy is an excellent way to treat a stutter
  14. Nudity is the best way to keep change in your pockets, should gravity reverse itself
  15. Students having mental breakdowns in the commons of Pacific Tech is not noteworthy
  16. An “I ❤ Toxic Waste” t-shirt is a good way to demonstrate your disdain for authority figures
  17. Geniuses have groupies too!
  18. Female geniuses have bowl-cuts, no social boundaries and never sleep
  19. Darlington Electronic Instruments Inc. isn’t stuffy about dress codes. And also, they have a Jacuzzi!
  20. Urinals are a great place to find a captive audience
  21. Being a laborer is what you get for not having an education
  22. Dr. Hathaway, who is concerned about being seen with CIA crony, builds large, conspicuous house with no apparent explanation as to how it was paid for
  23. Real geniuses rely on laser beams to guide them to important and expository destinations, such as Hawaiian-themed parties and satanic burger joints
  24. Inviting student beauticians to a Hawaiian-theme party is the only chance nerds have of ever getting laid
  25. Eating hamburgers gives you very large breasts
  26. Sycophantic student antagonists enjoy doing their professor’s laundry
  27. Renting out your son’s bedroom to your plumber is the best way to motivate him to stay in school
  28. Seeing a Lazlo in his pajamas is the most disgusting thing you can ever see
  29. High-powered laser experimentation doesn’t require adult supervision
  30. If you’re ever caught naked with a bowl of Jello, just tell them you were hot and hungry!
  31. Burning 12″ diameter holes in school property won’t get you expelled from Pacific Tech
  32. 15 is an appropriate age to be propositioned by a genius groupie (she did wait 3 years after all)
  33. 15-year-old geniuses prefer their first sexual experience to be with a socially awkward 19-year-old insomniac to an attractive and experienced older women
  34. Jesus wants you to stop playing with yourself
  35. Top secret military computers use 6-character passwords
  36. Being 4 hours late is a valid reason to ignore air-force base security protocols
  37. Lasers are a young science
  38. Dr. Hathaway can hammer a six-inch spike through a board…with his penis
  39. It is possible to synthesize excited bromide in an argon matrix
  40. Space lasers pop (but don’t disintegrate or char) popcorn kernels
  41. Popcorn (in large doses) is lethal to houses
  42. Prerecorded lectures are an acceptable substitute for actual teaching
  43. REAL Geniuses exploit sweepstakes rules to fulfill their materialistic needs
  44. Sponsoring a professor’s public access science show also obligates you to employee any graduate he recommends
  45. The best way to get even with your enemies is to take apart their car and reassemble it in their dorm room
  46. Lazlo’s computer is particularly adept at heightening suspense using 16-color CGA screen-savers
  47. ‘Dipshit’ is a good name for a first-born child
  48. It’s a good idea to wear Ray-Bans in lieu of proper eye protection when testing 6MW lasers because the audience needs to be reminded who the cool one is
  49. Any problem can be solved with a catchy 80’s pop song and a montage
  50. Getting even is a moral imperative

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Joe-Jim

Joe-Jim

Joe-Jim is the amalgamation of Joe and Jim, the founders of this site. It's also a shout out to Bob Heinlein's novel, "Orphans in the Sky." The name is a reference to the ambivalent “muty” (being both a two-headed mutant and the descendant of mutineers) who lead the outcasts out of the darkness of religious superstition. Joe-Jim is the editor and co-writer of Pork Circus.

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