Category: Things I Learned

The Robot’s Journey

So there’s this infographic goin’ around the interwebs about “The Hero’s Journey”. There seemed to be some strange parallels between it and my weekend, which went down like this:

therobotsjourney

True story!

25 Things I Learned from Watching Master of the Flying Guillotine

  1. NEU! is the perfect soundtrack for a flying guillotine…or any krautrock really…
  2. Flying guillotines have awesome eyebrows…
  3. Blind flying guillotines need both krautrock and big bushy eyebrows to guide them down treacherous mountains.
  4. Doors are for amateurs, REAL masters just jump through the damn roof!
  5. Jumping is a skill.
  6. Holding your breath makes you light enough to walk on the rim of a flimsy basket.
  7. If you’re REALLY good at holding your breath, you can walk across the wall and ceiling. This is the natural progression of the “jumping” skill, and may come in handy if you ever have to fight a blind person, or that Dhalsim guy from Street Fighter 2…
  8. Flying guillotines have to wear a NAZI bib so everyone knows they’re evil.
  9. Flying guillotines are vegetarians, which is also evil.
  10. Thai kickboxers must snort and belch after every sentence – it’s a character trait.
  11. In order to activate his ass-kicking power, Thai kickboxer must do a crazy little dance…serenaded by an invisible pungi.
  12. Thai kickboxer has to prove his prowess by beating up a bunch of extras while his evil friends just kinda show up and get to fight.
  13. That Yogi Tro Le Soung was clearly a rip off of Dhalsim from Street Fighter II.
  14. Also, yoga is a form of Kung Fu.
  15. Plus having really long arms lets you choke the bejesus out of people…who knew Yoga was so brutal!?
  16. Ironically named, “Yakuma Wins-Without-a-Knife” does in-fact use a knife to win.
  17. Ironically named evil Ronin are pretty in pink.
  18. The penalty for a dine-and-dash in China is death by flying guillotine.
  19. The most practical way to kill the real one-armed boxer is to kill all the one-armed men you come across – it’s not like China is a big place or has a large population or anything…how many one-armed guys can there be? Well, according to the movie, there were three.
  20. If your enemy is too skilled to beat in a fair fight, just lock him in a burning hut and roast him alive. That’ll teach those damned foreigners to enter our open, regionally-unrestricted contests!
  21. You don’t have to keep a life-debt to a foreigner if you don’t want to.
  22. Kung Fu tournaments are a good place to see all the south-east asian ethnic stereotypes err “different styles of Kung Fu”.
  23. Kung Fu tournaments sorta make up the rules as they go along…
  24. …and have no discernible brackets.
  25. Kung Fu masters who can walk on the ceiling use surprisingly little actual hand-to-hand combat, relying instead on elaborate traps. Go underhanded handi-capable hero! Yay!

Why we haven’t posted a new Recipe in a while…

In the 3rd world shit hole I currently live in, I discovered a rare and wonderful treasure called, “Paldo Namja Ramen”  a couple years back. It’s a spicy garlic-flavored Korean-style instant noodle.

The Ramen Rater, Grand Guru of all things Ramen-Related (how’s that for some gratuitous alliteration?) thinks very highly of this one, giving it a 5/5, and I’m inclined to agree.

While they are good out of the bag as is, most people kick them up a notch with other ingredients such as eggs (usually boiled or poached, but sometimes fried), green onion, slices of meat, cheese, soy sauce, fresh veggies or whatever else is handy.

Even so, I’m always curious as to how other people prepare theirs, and on a whim, decided to look around on the YouTube and came across this:

You will never, ever, EVER make Ramen with the flare and gusto this bastard does! …and neither will I :(…

You may as well give up cooking altogether!

How can you, or I or anyone compete with that!? Have you ever seen someone fucking coax an egg out of a chicken in a kind of Gung Fu stroke-gasm?? No, you haven’t! Me neither, now that I think about it… but he did it!

Hell he didn’t even look at the pot to make sure the egg he was cracking actually landed in it… clearly, he’s taken some pointers from the Cool Guys don’t look at Explosions music video. Even so, ANYONE can not look at an explosion — but how many people can crack eggs into a pot without looking whilst pulling off an anguished expression on their face??

I know what you guys are thinking – it’s a commercial, they must be using CGI and other movie magic tricks to pull this off. I say you can keep the wool pulled over your eyes if you want to, but I know what I saw…

I don’t know what blue pill he’s taken to pull that off (Viagra maybe?) but dammit I want what he’s having!

Windows Fun

“It’s like that scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where that guy I kinda look like rips that dude’s heart of out of his chest and shows it to him before he dies. That’s some ‘Mortal Kombat’ finishing move shit right there!”

– Satya Nadella on Windows 10…probably

Windows 10 has brought with it some glorious new features as some users have discovered. One fine young gentleman in particular caught my attention:

w10_2

Don’t listen to Venkat, that ain’t legal advice, he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about! So here’s my legal advice (check your mail for my invoice):

 

  1. Bill Gates left Microsoft over a year and a half ago, and was replaced by Satya Nadella, who is clearly doing a fine job!
  2. Your mouse pad isn’t working because you haven’t upgraded its driver to Windows 10. The firmware is corrupt, so you need to take it outside and beat it against the side of your shed repeatedly until it becomes soft and pliable again.
  3. You don’t need speakers or the internet, both are obsolete features that Windows 10 no longer requires – these have been replaced by an infinite repair loop.
  4. You can’t restore your previous Windows because Satya threw a brick through them. He’s angry at you and wants your business to fail. You must appease him with a modest donation of two thousand pan masala wrappers while chanting, “Satya Ma! Satya Ma Shakti De!”
  5. You are indeed trapped by Microsoft and should accept your Karma. If you are lucky, you will be reincarnated into a Linux or Mac user.

Important Quotes

listen

“When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it.”

– Yogi Berra

Addendum A: If you’ve ever run out of forks, you will understand.

Addendum B: Also, it’s not stealing if you call, “dibs.”

Addendum C: You don’t even have to wash it first, germs are good for you and put hair on your chest!

Big Jim’s Wisconsin Survival Guide

So, you are unfamiliar with the Dairy State?

Might want to know a few things before committing to the move?

I know I could have used some insight to help blend in with the locals when I first arrived! Here are a few tips that will help you fit in and avoid being chased by an angry, cheese-hat wearing mob:

  • There are just three seasons in Wisconsin: Deer season, Green Bay Packer season and mosquito season…and they overlap
  • Cheese can be added to anything! In fact, it can be a complete meal in and of itself.  e.g. beer and cheese soup..recipe coming soon!
  • Milk is sold in plastic bags
  • You are more likely to be shown pictures of caught fish than their children
  • The entire state shuts down opening day of deer season
  • You’d better be a Packers fan and never say you don’t watch football! You’ll be looked at like you just landed on Earth!
  • Beer is a food group
  • Bucky Badger is a demigod, peace and blessings upon him
  • Wearing Mossy Oak pants and a blaze orange sweatshirt is semi-formal attire
  • Snow is a great beer cooler
  • Fishing isn’t a hobby, pastime or sport – it is a fucking passion!
  • If you don’t own at least one boat, people will view you with distrust and apprehension
  • Never ever say you don’t like Culver’s Butter Burgers – them be fightin’ words!
  • Ed Gein or Jeffrey Dahmer don’t make for good table conversation topics
  • If you are from Chicago or New York, you will never have pizza again as you know it!
  • Bratwurst is acceptable for breakfast, and even encouraged!
  • Don’t let the snow fret you, the icy rain that will inevitably follow is much worse
  • Famous Dave’s barbecue is the best in the World! To say otherwise is akin to saying you hate Wisconsin…and Native Americans!
  • Although you can’t enter a tobacco store until you’re 18, you can play with Barbie dolls on a pool table in a tavern at the age of 3
  • Milwaukee is Algonquin for, “The good land.” Alice Cooper said that, and I believe it, and you’d better believe it too you unworthy cretin!
  • Outside of the authoritarian egalitarian progressive liberal hellhole, the good people of Wisconsin love their guns!
  • Towns have more bars than churches. Praise be Bacchus!
  • There are many small stores that sell everything from guns, ammo, food, beer, camo clothing and bait all under one roof!
  • Indian casinos, ’nuff said…
  • Everyone smokes, nobody quits
  • Wisconsin natives can’t even spell al pastor taco let alone make a decent one!
  • Frank’s Hot Sauce is not only considered to be good, but spicy
  • Sausage gravy comes from a can or packet; biscuits are of the frozen variety
  • People think Chili is something made with elbow macaroni
  • Cottage cheese is a substitute for ricotta in lasagna
  • You can trade smoked fish for a 4 wheel drive vehicle or snowmobile!
  • Most bars worth their salt have a monthly gun raffle
  • Between 2 and 5 A.M. Kwik Trip is considered fine dining
  • Skiing is done on small hills, not mountains
  • Ducks are amphibious vehicles!
  • Fish fries are important community events
  • Thar’ be bears!

Meat Puppetry: Photographs

“The last time we [Joe and Jim] were close enough to be photographed together, a gravitational singularity occurred. This resulted in the destruction of a small convenience store and goat farm in eastern Oregon. It’s for the best that we don’t post pictures now. Think of the goats.” – Big Jim, August 24, 2015

50 Things I learned from Watching Real Genius

  1. Violet-colored lasers are the best choice for vaporizing human targets from space
  2. Shady military officials spend all day watching infomercials on yet-to-be-invented secret weapons
  3. The CIA officers kill off their only black guy because he doesn’t want to participate in their immoral project, just so that the audience knows how evil and dangerous they are (Cronan would be very disappointed)
  4. A 15-year-old with an impressive exhibit at a regional science fair can skip high school and go straight to college
  5. In the 80s, getting mice drunk in the name of science wouldn’t get PETA’s attention
  6. The CIA relies on teenage students to develop it’s top-secret weaponry
  7. Chris Knight is the only person who dreams about naked women throwing little pickles at him
  8. “Getting Down” verbally with freshman involves confusing whether or not you should check your references
  9. Dorm room closets are a fine place to put an entrance to a secret lair
  10. Sycophantic student antagonists who get too sexually frustrated wear mock turtlenecks
  11. Geniuses don’t waste money on coffee, they use dry ice slugs because f@#k the system!
  12. Mock turtlenecks are a sign that you’re fairly rare and very unstable
  13. Auto-electroshock therapy is an excellent way to treat a stutter
  14. Nudity is the best way to keep change in your pockets, should gravity reverse itself
  15. Students having mental breakdowns in the commons of Pacific Tech is not noteworthy
  16. An “I ❤ Toxic Waste” t-shirt is a good way to demonstrate your disdain for authority figures
  17. Geniuses have groupies too!
  18. Female geniuses have bowl-cuts, no social boundaries and never sleep
  19. Darlington Electronic Instruments Inc. isn’t stuffy about dress codes. And also, they have a Jacuzzi!
  20. Urinals are a great place to find a captive audience
  21. Being a laborer is what you get for not having an education
  22. Dr. Hathaway, who is concerned about being seen with CIA crony, builds large, conspicuous house with no apparent explanation as to how it was paid for
  23. Real geniuses rely on laser beams to guide them to important and expository destinations, such as Hawaiian-themed parties and satanic burger joints
  24. Inviting student beauticians to a Hawaiian-theme party is the only chance nerds have of ever getting laid
  25. Eating hamburgers gives you very large breasts
  26. Sycophantic student antagonists enjoy doing their professor’s laundry
  27. Renting out your son’s bedroom to your plumber is the best way to motivate him to stay in school
  28. Seeing a Lazlo in his pajamas is the most disgusting thing you can ever see
  29. High-powered laser experimentation doesn’t require adult supervision
  30. If you’re ever caught naked with a bowl of Jello, just tell them you were hot and hungry!
  31. Burning 12″ diameter holes in school property won’t get you expelled from Pacific Tech
  32. 15 is an appropriate age to be propositioned by a genius groupie (she did wait 3 years after all)
  33. 15-year-old geniuses prefer their first sexual experience to be with a socially awkward 19-year-old insomniac to an attractive and experienced older women
  34. Jesus wants you to stop playing with yourself
  35. Top secret military computers use 6-character passwords
  36. Being 4 hours late is a valid reason to ignore air-force base security protocols
  37. Lasers are a young science
  38. Dr. Hathaway can hammer a six-inch spike through a board…with his penis
  39. It is possible to synthesize excited bromide in an argon matrix
  40. Space lasers pop (but don’t disintegrate or char) popcorn kernels
  41. Popcorn (in large doses) is lethal to houses
  42. Prerecorded lectures are an acceptable substitute for actual teaching
  43. REAL Geniuses exploit sweepstakes rules to fulfill their materialistic needs
  44. Sponsoring a professor’s public access science show also obligates you to employee any graduate he recommends
  45. The best way to get even with your enemies is to take apart their car and reassemble it in their dorm room
  46. Lazlo’s computer is particularly adept at heightening suspense using 16-color CGA screen-savers
  47. ‘Dipshit’ is a good name for a first-born child
  48. It’s a good idea to wear Ray-Bans in lieu of proper eye protection when testing 6MW lasers because the audience needs to be reminded who the cool one is
  49. Any problem can be solved with a catchy 80’s pop song and a montage
  50. Getting even is a moral imperative