Category: Parody

25 Things I Learned from Watching Master of the Flying Guillotine

  1. NEU! is the perfect soundtrack for a flying guillotine…or any krautrock really…
  2. Flying guillotines have awesome eyebrows…
  3. Blind flying guillotines need both krautrock and big bushy eyebrows to guide them down treacherous mountains.
  4. Doors are for amateurs, REAL masters just jump through the damn roof!
  5. Jumping is a skill.
  6. Holding your breath makes you light enough to walk on the rim of a flimsy basket.
  7. If you’re REALLY good at holding your breath, you can walk across the wall and ceiling. This is the natural progression of the “jumping” skill, and may come in handy if you ever have to fight a blind person, or that Dhalsim guy from Street Fighter 2…
  8. Flying guillotines have to wear a NAZI bib so everyone knows they’re evil.
  9. Flying guillotines are vegetarians, which is also evil.
  10. Thai kickboxers must snort and belch after every sentence – it’s a character trait.
  11. In order to activate his ass-kicking power, Thai kickboxer must do a crazy little dance…serenaded by an invisible pungi.
  12. Thai kickboxer has to prove his prowess by beating up a bunch of extras while his evil friends just kinda show up and get to fight.
  13. That Yogi Tro Le Soung was clearly a rip off of Dhalsim from Street Fighter II.
  14. Also, yoga is a form of Kung Fu.
  15. Plus having really long arms lets you choke the bejesus out of people…who knew Yoga was so brutal!?
  16. Ironically named, “Yakuma Wins-Without-a-Knife” does in-fact use a knife to win.
  17. Ironically named evil Ronin are pretty in pink.
  18. The penalty for a dine-and-dash in China is death by flying guillotine.
  19. The most practical way to kill the real one-armed boxer is to kill all the one-armed men you come across – it’s not like China is a big place or has a large population or anything…how many one-armed guys can there be? Well, according to the movie, there were three.
  20. If your enemy is too skilled to beat in a fair fight, just lock him in a burning hut and roast him alive. That’ll teach those damned foreigners to enter our open, regionally-unrestricted contests!
  21. You don’t have to keep a life-debt to a foreigner if you don’t want to.
  22. Kung Fu tournaments are a good place to see all the south-east asian ethnic stereotypes err “different styles of Kung Fu”.
  23. Kung Fu tournaments sorta make up the rules as they go along…
  24. …and have no discernible brackets.
  25. Kung Fu masters who can walk on the ceiling use surprisingly little actual hand-to-hand combat, relying instead on elaborate traps. Go underhanded handi-capable hero! Yay!

Windows Fun

“It’s like that scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where that guy I kinda look like rips that dude’s heart of out of his chest and shows it to him before he dies. That’s some ‘Mortal Kombat’ finishing move shit right there!”

– Satya Nadella on Windows 10…probably

Windows 10 has brought with it some glorious new features as some users have discovered. One fine young gentleman in particular caught my attention:

w10_2

Don’t listen to Venkat, that ain’t legal advice, he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about! So here’s my legal advice (check your mail for my invoice):

 

  1. Bill Gates left Microsoft over a year and a half ago, and was replaced by Satya Nadella, who is clearly doing a fine job!
  2. Your mouse pad isn’t working because you haven’t upgraded its driver to Windows 10. The firmware is corrupt, so you need to take it outside and beat it against the side of your shed repeatedly until it becomes soft and pliable again.
  3. You don’t need speakers or the internet, both are obsolete features that Windows 10 no longer requires – these have been replaced by an infinite repair loop.
  4. You can’t restore your previous Windows because Satya threw a brick through them. He’s angry at you and wants your business to fail. You must appease him with a modest donation of two thousand pan masala wrappers while chanting, “Satya Ma! Satya Ma Shakti De!”
  5. You are indeed trapped by Microsoft and should accept your Karma. If you are lucky, you will be reincarnated into a Linux or Mac user.

Titus Pullo’ed Pork

Print Recipe
This sandwich is worth half the whores in Narbo (and their mothers)! Serves: The entire 13th legion! Well a couple of them anyhow... Prep: I don't know, you're the clever one!! Cook Time: Enough time to drink all the wine, smoke all the smoke and f*** every whore in the city!
Print Recipe
This sandwich is worth half the whores in Narbo (and their mothers)! Serves: The entire 13th legion! Well a couple of them anyhow... Prep: I don't know, you're the clever one!! Cook Time: Enough time to drink all the wine, smoke all the smoke and f*** every whore in the city!
Ingredients
Servings:
Instructions
  1. This is an easy dish to make. Just toss all the mumping ingredients into a large electric roaster and set the cack-faced dial to 225 degree F.
  2. Add enough water to cover about a quarter of the roast and let it cook until it falls apart. Perfect slow cook dish to set up overnight while sleeping!
  3. Shred the pork up and serve on a toasted ciabatta (or any other true roman bread, for true romans...ciabatta probably isn't, but shut up and eat it anyhow...) making sure the bread is wet as October with the broth. Great with a bit of spicy giardiniera if you like it hot as Vulcan's cock.
Recipe Notes

Before eating, make sure stab the sandwich with your Gladius repeatedly while shouting, "THIRTEEEEEENTH!!! THIRTEEEEEEEEEENTH!!!"

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50 Things I learned from Watching Real Genius

  1. Violet-colored lasers are the best choice for vaporizing human targets from space
  2. Shady military officials spend all day watching infomercials on yet-to-be-invented secret weapons
  3. The CIA officers kill off their only black guy because he doesn’t want to participate in their immoral project, just so that the audience knows how evil and dangerous they are (Cronan would be very disappointed)
  4. A 15-year-old with an impressive exhibit at a regional science fair can skip high school and go straight to college
  5. In the 80s, getting mice drunk in the name of science wouldn’t get PETA’s attention
  6. The CIA relies on teenage students to develop it’s top-secret weaponry
  7. Chris Knight is the only person who dreams about naked women throwing little pickles at him
  8. “Getting Down” verbally with freshman involves confusing whether or not you should check your references
  9. Dorm room closets are a fine place to put an entrance to a secret lair
  10. Sycophantic student antagonists who get too sexually frustrated wear mock turtlenecks
  11. Geniuses don’t waste money on coffee, they use dry ice slugs because f@#k the system!
  12. Mock turtlenecks are a sign that you’re fairly rare and very unstable
  13. Auto-electroshock therapy is an excellent way to treat a stutter
  14. Nudity is the best way to keep change in your pockets, should gravity reverse itself
  15. Students having mental breakdowns in the commons of Pacific Tech is not noteworthy
  16. An “I ❤ Toxic Waste” t-shirt is a good way to demonstrate your disdain for authority figures
  17. Geniuses have groupies too!
  18. Female geniuses have bowl-cuts, no social boundaries and never sleep
  19. Darlington Electronic Instruments Inc. isn’t stuffy about dress codes. And also, they have a Jacuzzi!
  20. Urinals are a great place to find a captive audience
  21. Being a laborer is what you get for not having an education
  22. Dr. Hathaway, who is concerned about being seen with CIA crony, builds large, conspicuous house with no apparent explanation as to how it was paid for
  23. Real geniuses rely on laser beams to guide them to important and expository destinations, such as Hawaiian-themed parties and satanic burger joints
  24. Inviting student beauticians to a Hawaiian-theme party is the only chance nerds have of ever getting laid
  25. Eating hamburgers gives you very large breasts
  26. Sycophantic student antagonists enjoy doing their professor’s laundry
  27. Renting out your son’s bedroom to your plumber is the best way to motivate him to stay in school
  28. Seeing a Lazlo in his pajamas is the most disgusting thing you can ever see
  29. High-powered laser experimentation doesn’t require adult supervision
  30. If you’re ever caught naked with a bowl of Jello, just tell them you were hot and hungry!
  31. Burning 12″ diameter holes in school property won’t get you expelled from Pacific Tech
  32. 15 is an appropriate age to be propositioned by a genius groupie (she did wait 3 years after all)
  33. 15-year-old geniuses prefer their first sexual experience to be with a socially awkward 19-year-old insomniac to an attractive and experienced older women
  34. Jesus wants you to stop playing with yourself
  35. Top secret military computers use 6-character passwords
  36. Being 4 hours late is a valid reason to ignore air-force base security protocols
  37. Lasers are a young science
  38. Dr. Hathaway can hammer a six-inch spike through a board…with his penis
  39. It is possible to synthesize excited bromide in an argon matrix
  40. Space lasers pop (but don’t disintegrate or char) popcorn kernels
  41. Popcorn (in large doses) is lethal to houses
  42. Prerecorded lectures are an acceptable substitute for actual teaching
  43. REAL Geniuses exploit sweepstakes rules to fulfill their materialistic needs
  44. Sponsoring a professor’s public access science show also obligates you to employee any graduate he recommends
  45. The best way to get even with your enemies is to take apart their car and reassemble it in their dorm room
  46. Lazlo’s computer is particularly adept at heightening suspense using 16-color CGA screen-savers
  47. ‘Dipshit’ is a good name for a first-born child
  48. It’s a good idea to wear Ray-Bans in lieu of proper eye protection when testing 6MW lasers because the audience needs to be reminded who the cool one is
  49. Any problem can be solved with a catchy 80’s pop song and a montage
  50. Getting even is a moral imperative

Meatloaf’s Name is Robert Paulson!

Print Recipe
This is Bob...err...Meatloaf...Meatloaf has bitch-tits. Serves 4-8 people, but only two at a time. Prep for as long as you need. Cook until one person taps out or goes unconscious.
Print Recipe
This is Bob...err...Meatloaf...Meatloaf has bitch-tits. Serves 4-8 people, but only two at a time. Prep for as long as you need. Cook until one person taps out or goes unconscious.
Ingredients
Ketchup glaze
Meat
Vegetables
Servings:
Instructions
Meatloaf
  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Dice all of the vegetables and place them a large bowl. Keep your pistols nearby for motivational purposes.
  2. Add vinegar to the diced vegetables and mix well. Lightly sweat the vegetables in the olive oil. Combine the ground beef, sausage, vegetables, breadcrumbs and eggs into a large roasting or loaf pan. Pound with fists into cookie dough (imagine you're destroying something beautiful).
  3. Lay strips of bacon in a lattice pattern over the top of the bitch tit. If unsure how to do this, please refer to the Crazy Russian Hacker's instructional video (http://tiny.cc/u76a2x).
  4. Cover the Robert Paulson and place in the oven for 1 hour (or until his rectal temperature reaches 165 degrees).
Ketchup Glaze
  1. While Meatloaf is baking-off, combine ketchup and sugar in a small sauce pan over low heat - stirring constantly. Pour over the Meatloaf in the last 15 minutes of cooking time.
Recipe Notes

Instruct your guests to bring:

- 2 pairs of black shirt
- 2 pairs of black pants
- 1 pair of combat boots
- Two pairs of black socks
- One black jacket
- $300 personal burial money

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PowerPoint is the Devil

Yes, your PowerPoint is the Devil!

No one should ever use it!  To make certain that this point is crystal clear, I’ve put together a brief, 13-slide PowerPoint Presentation, saved in PDF format, which, as everyone knows, is proof against it’s evil animated powers!

ppt_is_the_devil