Big Jim’s Wisconsin Survival Guide

So, you are unfamiliar with the Dairy State?

Might want to know a few things before committing to the move?

I know I could have used some insight to help blend in with the locals when I first arrived! Here are a few tips that will help you fit in and avoid being chased by an angry, cheese-hat wearing mob:

  • There are just three seasons in Wisconsin: Deer season, Green Bay Packer season and mosquito season…and they overlap
  • Cheese can be added to anything! In fact, it can be a complete meal in and of itself.  e.g. beer and cheese soup..recipe coming soon!
  • Milk is sold in plastic bags
  • You are more likely to be shown pictures of caught fish than their children
  • The entire state shuts down opening day of deer season
  • You’d better be a Packers fan and never say you don’t watch football! You’ll be looked at like you just landed on Earth!
  • Beer is a food group
  • Bucky Badger is a demigod, peace and blessings upon him
  • Wearing Mossy Oak pants and a blaze orange sweatshirt is semi-formal attire
  • Snow is a great beer cooler
  • Fishing isn’t a hobby, pastime or sport – it is a fucking passion!
  • If you don’t own at least one boat, people will view you with distrust and apprehension
  • Never ever say you don’t like Culver’s Butter Burgers – them be fightin’ words!
  • Ed Gein or Jeffrey Dahmer don’t make for good table conversation topics
  • If you are from Chicago or New York, you will never have pizza again as you know it!
  • Bratwurst is acceptable for breakfast, and even encouraged!
  • Don’t let the snow fret you, the icy rain that will inevitably follow is much worse
  • Famous Dave’s barbecue is the best in the World! To say otherwise is akin to saying you hate Wisconsin…and Native Americans!
  • Although you can’t enter a tobacco store until you’re 18, you can play with Barbie dolls on a pool table in a tavern at the age of 3
  • Milwaukee is Algonquin for, “The good land.” Alice Cooper said that, and I believe it, and you’d better believe it too you unworthy cretin!
  • Outside of the authoritarian egalitarian progressive liberal hellhole, the good people of Wisconsin love their guns!
  • Towns have more bars than churches. Praise be Bacchus!
  • There are many small stores that sell everything from guns, ammo, food, beer, camo clothing and bait all under one roof!
  • Indian casinos, ’nuff said…
  • Everyone smokes, nobody quits
  • Wisconsin natives can’t even spell al pastor taco let alone make a decent one!
  • Frank’s Hot Sauce is not only considered to be good, but spicy
  • Sausage gravy comes from a can or packet; biscuits are of the frozen variety
  • People think Chili is something made with elbow macaroni
  • Cottage cheese is a substitute for ricotta in lasagna
  • You can trade smoked fish for a 4 wheel drive vehicle or snowmobile!
  • Most bars worth their salt have a monthly gun raffle
  • Between 2 and 5 A.M. Kwik Trip is considered fine dining
  • Skiing is done on small hills, not mountains
  • Ducks are amphibious vehicles!
  • Fish fries are important community events
  • Thar’ be bears!

A Sad Day for Fellow Amerifats in Burgerstan…

Dr. Burger ‘Luther’ King, Jr. had a dream: That one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of the Big Mac and the sons of the Whopper would be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood, and combine to form the fabled McWhopper!

But alas, this dream is dead and buried. Heir Steve, the CEO of McDowner had this to say in response:

Dear Burger King,

Inspiration for a good cause… great idea.

We love the intention but think our two brands could do something bigger to make a difference.

We commit to raise awareness worldwide, perhaps you’ll join us in a meaningful global effort?

And every day, let’s acknowledge that between us there is simply a friendly business competition and certainly not the unequaled circumstances of the real pain and suffering of war.

We’ll be in touch.

-Steve, McDonald’s CEO

P.S. A simple phone call will do next time.

Note Steve’s (or whoever writes his statements for him) masterful verbal jujitsu! Each sentence is dripping with a ripe mixture of sarcasm and vitriol, like a greasy quarter-pound slap to the face and genitals! In Savate, it is called a ‘Royale wid Cheese!’ You know, because they got the metric system!

Of course, this isn’t the first time McDonald’s has drop kicked everything that made America great with a size-15 red, shiny clown-boot to the head! Let us not forget you, dear Hot Mustard dipping sauce, nectar of the Gods! Ye, who always kept it real, representing all that is good and just in the world…

That is, until Ronald McFucknuts decided to discontinue it in favor that cheep hussy known as the habenero ranch sauce. As if we wouldn’t know the difference?

Fries, McMuffin and Big Mac…all RUINED without that delicious, tangy tan elixir.
That sauce was concentrated childhood nostalgia in tiny plastic peel-top form. I wish I could have stock piled it, but alas – too late, too late :(.

Bring it back, you McBastards, BRING IT BAAAACK!

Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics

A few years ago, I read a book by Joel Best called, “Damned Lies and Statistics.”

The title is based on a phrase popularized by Mark Twain, though it’s origin isn’t firmly established….goes something like this:

“There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics”

The book began with what Best described as, “The Worst Social Statistic Ever.” The quote was, “Every year since 1950, the number of American children gunned down has doubled.”

When taken literally, that would mean that 35 trillion American children were gunned down between 1950-1995. What the author meant to say was that the total number of child deaths by firearms in 1950 was half what it was in the year 1995.

Surprisingly, the US population grew by some 73% from 1950 to 1995, so it would follow that other counts, such as deaths would also be about double. Point being that statistics should not be accepted blindly. That brings me to a new one I saw today floating around the interwebs:

More Americans were killed by guns since 1968 than on the battlefields of all the wars in American history.

The specific figures are based on estimates from PolitiFact.com:

  • Firearms-related deaths between 1968 and 2015 was about 1,516,863
  • The total number of casualties related to all wars in US history was approximately 1,396,733

I’m not being paid to do this, I don’t have a professional research staff, and my Terminator Robot isn’t programmed to do that for me…yet. So, rather than gather and correlate 47 years-worth of data, I’m just going to pick on 1968’s mortality rates instead.

According to the US Census Bureau, the population that year was approximately ~200,700,000. Referencing the Vital Statistics of the United States 1968 Volume II – Mortality Part A , the total death count was 1,930,082.

That’s over half a million more deaths than all of the American casualties of every US war in American history combined! Impressive, huh?

Of those, 9,425 people reportedly died from “firearms and explosives.” It doesn’t break that figure down to gun-related deaths only, nor does it distinguish between homicide, suicide, war or accidents. That’s accounts for a whole 0.488% of the total death count that year. This is about 1/6th the number of motor-vehicle deaths, which came to 54,862, or about 5.7 times as many deaths by vehicle as there were by firearms and explosives.

The point (if there is one) is this: I can quote unqualified, out-of-context statistics based on incomplete/erroneous “data” to make bogus conclusions too!

In Summary

  • Think for yourself. Don’t rely on eye-grabby statistics
  • Do your own homework and take other facets into consideration
  • Terminator robots aren’t a good source of important information…yet

Titus Pullo’ed Pork

Print Recipe
This sandwich is worth half the whores in Narbo (and their mothers)! Serves: The entire 13th legion! Well a couple of them anyhow... Prep: I don't know, you're the clever one!! Cook Time: Enough time to drink all the wine, smoke all the smoke and f*** every whore in the city!
Print Recipe
This sandwich is worth half the whores in Narbo (and their mothers)! Serves: The entire 13th legion! Well a couple of them anyhow... Prep: I don't know, you're the clever one!! Cook Time: Enough time to drink all the wine, smoke all the smoke and f*** every whore in the city!
Ingredients
Servings:
Instructions
  1. This is an easy dish to make. Just toss all the mumping ingredients into a large electric roaster and set the cack-faced dial to 225 degree F.
  2. Add enough water to cover about a quarter of the roast and let it cook until it falls apart. Perfect slow cook dish to set up overnight while sleeping!
  3. Shred the pork up and serve on a toasted ciabatta (or any other true roman bread, for true romans...ciabatta probably isn't, but shut up and eat it anyhow...) making sure the bread is wet as October with the broth. Great with a bit of spicy giardiniera if you like it hot as Vulcan's cock.
Recipe Notes

Before eating, make sure stab the sandwich with your Gladius repeatedly while shouting, "THIRTEEEEEENTH!!! THIRTEEEEEEEEEENTH!!!"

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Meat Puppetry: Photographs

“The last time we [Joe and Jim] were close enough to be photographed together, a gravitational singularity occurred. This resulted in the destruction of a small convenience store and goat farm in eastern Oregon. It’s for the best that we don’t post pictures now. Think of the goats.” – Big Jim, August 24, 2015

Robots

The other night, I was suspected of being a robot, not-so-cleverly disguised as a person while chatting with my new friend on the ‘twit. I assured Ali that I did not consort with the robit kind, nor could my Dyson vacuum with the pet cleaner attachment build a Terminator…yet.

This seemed like a good opportunity to warn Ali of the dangers of PowerPoint, but alas, Ali was unconvinced :(. I tried to call Ed Tufte, but he wasn’t home, so I couldn’t assemble the Psychic Technical-Writer Friends Network… I had to settle for a traditional fact-finding committee.

They couldn’t reach a quorum, and just when I thought all hope was lost, my astrologer told me that my metachlorian count exceeded my cholesterol level, and that I would die of the diabetus within two years. This is good news, because that means I won’t live to see the birth of AI and subsequent robot uprising!

Thank Dog for small favors.

50 Things I learned from Watching Real Genius

  1. Violet-colored lasers are the best choice for vaporizing human targets from space
  2. Shady military officials spend all day watching infomercials on yet-to-be-invented secret weapons
  3. The CIA officers kill off their only black guy because he doesn’t want to participate in their immoral project, just so that the audience knows how evil and dangerous they are (Cronan would be very disappointed)
  4. A 15-year-old with an impressive exhibit at a regional science fair can skip high school and go straight to college
  5. In the 80s, getting mice drunk in the name of science wouldn’t get PETA’s attention
  6. The CIA relies on teenage students to develop it’s top-secret weaponry
  7. Chris Knight is the only person who dreams about naked women throwing little pickles at him
  8. “Getting Down” verbally with freshman involves confusing whether or not you should check your references
  9. Dorm room closets are a fine place to put an entrance to a secret lair
  10. Sycophantic student antagonists who get too sexually frustrated wear mock turtlenecks
  11. Geniuses don’t waste money on coffee, they use dry ice slugs because f@#k the system!
  12. Mock turtlenecks are a sign that you’re fairly rare and very unstable
  13. Auto-electroshock therapy is an excellent way to treat a stutter
  14. Nudity is the best way to keep change in your pockets, should gravity reverse itself
  15. Students having mental breakdowns in the commons of Pacific Tech is not noteworthy
  16. An “I ❤ Toxic Waste” t-shirt is a good way to demonstrate your disdain for authority figures
  17. Geniuses have groupies too!
  18. Female geniuses have bowl-cuts, no social boundaries and never sleep
  19. Darlington Electronic Instruments Inc. isn’t stuffy about dress codes. And also, they have a Jacuzzi!
  20. Urinals are a great place to find a captive audience
  21. Being a laborer is what you get for not having an education
  22. Dr. Hathaway, who is concerned about being seen with CIA crony, builds large, conspicuous house with no apparent explanation as to how it was paid for
  23. Real geniuses rely on laser beams to guide them to important and expository destinations, such as Hawaiian-themed parties and satanic burger joints
  24. Inviting student beauticians to a Hawaiian-theme party is the only chance nerds have of ever getting laid
  25. Eating hamburgers gives you very large breasts
  26. Sycophantic student antagonists enjoy doing their professor’s laundry
  27. Renting out your son’s bedroom to your plumber is the best way to motivate him to stay in school
  28. Seeing a Lazlo in his pajamas is the most disgusting thing you can ever see
  29. High-powered laser experimentation doesn’t require adult supervision
  30. If you’re ever caught naked with a bowl of Jello, just tell them you were hot and hungry!
  31. Burning 12″ diameter holes in school property won’t get you expelled from Pacific Tech
  32. 15 is an appropriate age to be propositioned by a genius groupie (she did wait 3 years after all)
  33. 15-year-old geniuses prefer their first sexual experience to be with a socially awkward 19-year-old insomniac to an attractive and experienced older women
  34. Jesus wants you to stop playing with yourself
  35. Top secret military computers use 6-character passwords
  36. Being 4 hours late is a valid reason to ignore air-force base security protocols
  37. Lasers are a young science
  38. Dr. Hathaway can hammer a six-inch spike through a board…with his penis
  39. It is possible to synthesize excited bromide in an argon matrix
  40. Space lasers pop (but don’t disintegrate or char) popcorn kernels
  41. Popcorn (in large doses) is lethal to houses
  42. Prerecorded lectures are an acceptable substitute for actual teaching
  43. REAL Geniuses exploit sweepstakes rules to fulfill their materialistic needs
  44. Sponsoring a professor’s public access science show also obligates you to employee any graduate he recommends
  45. The best way to get even with your enemies is to take apart their car and reassemble it in their dorm room
  46. Lazlo’s computer is particularly adept at heightening suspense using 16-color CGA screen-savers
  47. ‘Dipshit’ is a good name for a first-born child
  48. It’s a good idea to wear Ray-Bans in lieu of proper eye protection when testing 6MW lasers because the audience needs to be reminded who the cool one is
  49. Any problem can be solved with a catchy 80’s pop song and a montage
  50. Getting even is a moral imperative