Important Quotes

listen

“When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it.”

– Yogi Berra

Addendum A: If you’ve ever run out of forks, you will understand.

Addendum B: Also, it’s not stealing if you call, “dibs.”

Addendum C: You don’t even have to wash it first, germs are good for you and put hair on your chest!

Big Jim’s Wisconsin Survival Guide

So, you are unfamiliar with the Dairy State?

Might want to know a few things before committing to the move?

I know I could have used some insight to help blend in with the locals when I first arrived! Here are a few tips that will help you fit in and avoid being chased by an angry, cheese-hat wearing mob:

  • There are just three seasons in Wisconsin: Deer season, Green Bay Packer season and mosquito season…and they overlap
  • Cheese can be added to anything! In fact, it can be a complete meal in and of itself.  e.g. beer and cheese soup..recipe coming soon!
  • Milk is sold in plastic bags
  • You are more likely to be shown pictures of caught fish than their children
  • The entire state shuts down opening day of deer season
  • You’d better be a Packers fan and never say you don’t watch football! You’ll be looked at like you just landed on Earth!
  • Beer is a food group
  • Bucky Badger is a demigod, peace and blessings upon him
  • Wearing Mossy Oak pants and a blaze orange sweatshirt is semi-formal attire
  • Snow is a great beer cooler
  • Fishing isn’t a hobby, pastime or sport – it is a fucking passion!
  • If you don’t own at least one boat, people will view you with distrust and apprehension
  • Never ever say you don’t like Culver’s Butter Burgers – them be fightin’ words!
  • Ed Gein or Jeffrey Dahmer don’t make for good table conversation topics
  • If you are from Chicago or New York, you will never have pizza again as you know it!
  • Bratwurst is acceptable for breakfast, and even encouraged!
  • Don’t let the snow fret you, the icy rain that will inevitably follow is much worse
  • Famous Dave’s barbecue is the best in the World! To say otherwise is akin to saying you hate Wisconsin…and Native Americans!
  • Although you can’t enter a tobacco store until you’re 18, you can play with Barbie dolls on a pool table in a tavern at the age of 3
  • Milwaukee is Algonquin for, “The good land.” Alice Cooper said that, and I believe it, and you’d better believe it too you unworthy cretin!
  • Outside of the authoritarian egalitarian progressive liberal hellhole, the good people of Wisconsin love their guns!
  • Towns have more bars than churches. Praise be Bacchus!
  • There are many small stores that sell everything from guns, ammo, food, beer, camo clothing and bait all under one roof!
  • Indian casinos, ’nuff said…
  • Everyone smokes, nobody quits
  • Wisconsin natives can’t even spell al pastor taco let alone make a decent one!
  • Frank’s Hot Sauce is not only considered to be good, but spicy
  • Sausage gravy comes from a can or packet; biscuits are of the frozen variety
  • People think Chili is something made with elbow macaroni
  • Cottage cheese is a substitute for ricotta in lasagna
  • You can trade smoked fish for a 4 wheel drive vehicle or snowmobile!
  • Most bars worth their salt have a monthly gun raffle
  • Between 2 and 5 A.M. Kwik Trip is considered fine dining
  • Skiing is done on small hills, not mountains
  • Ducks are amphibious vehicles!
  • Fish fries are important community events
  • Thar’ be bears!

A Sad Day for Fellow Amerifats in Burgerstan…

Dr. Burger ‘Luther’ King, Jr. had a dream: That one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of the Big Mac and the sons of the Whopper would be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood, and combine to form the fabled McWhopper!

But alas, this dream is dead and buried. Heir Steve, the CEO of McDowner had this to say in response:

Dear Burger King,

Inspiration for a good cause… great idea.

We love the intention but think our two brands could do something bigger to make a difference.

We commit to raise awareness worldwide, perhaps you’ll join us in a meaningful global effort?

And every day, let’s acknowledge that between us there is simply a friendly business competition and certainly not the unequaled circumstances of the real pain and suffering of war.

We’ll be in touch.

-Steve, McDonald’s CEO

P.S. A simple phone call will do next time.

Note Steve’s (or whoever writes his statements for him) masterful verbal jujitsu! Each sentence is dripping with a ripe mixture of sarcasm and vitriol, like a greasy quarter-pound slap to the face and genitals! In Savate, it is called a ‘Royale wid Cheese!’ You know, because they got the metric system!

Of course, this isn’t the first time McDonald’s has drop kicked everything that made America great with a size-15 red, shiny clown-boot to the head! Let us not forget you, dear Hot Mustard dipping sauce, nectar of the Gods! Ye, who always kept it real, representing all that is good and just in the world…

That is, until Ronald McFucknuts decided to discontinue it in favor that cheep hussy known as the habenero ranch sauce. As if we wouldn’t know the difference?

Fries, McMuffin and Big Mac…all RUINED without that delicious, tangy tan elixir.
That sauce was concentrated childhood nostalgia in tiny plastic peel-top form. I wish I could have stock piled it, but alas – too late, too late :(.

Bring it back, you McBastards, BRING IT BAAAACK!

Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics

A few years ago, I read a book by Joel Best called, “Damned Lies and Statistics.”

The title is based on a phrase popularized by Mark Twain, though it’s origin isn’t firmly established….goes something like this:

“There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics”

The book began with what Best described as, “The Worst Social Statistic Ever.” The quote was, “Every year since 1950, the number of American children gunned down has doubled.”

When taken literally, that would mean that 35 trillion American children were gunned down between 1950-1995. What the author meant to say was that the total number of child deaths by firearms in 1950 was half what it was in the year 1995.

Surprisingly, the US population grew by some 73% from 1950 to 1995, so it would follow that other counts, such as deaths would also be about double. Point being that statistics should not be accepted blindly. That brings me to a new one I saw today floating around the interwebs:

More Americans were killed by guns since 1968 than on the battlefields of all the wars in American history.

The specific figures are based on estimates from PolitiFact.com:

  • Firearms-related deaths between 1968 and 2015 was about 1,516,863
  • The total number of casualties related to all wars in US history was approximately 1,396,733

I’m not being paid to do this, I don’t have a professional research staff, and my Terminator Robot isn’t programmed to do that for me…yet. So, rather than gather and correlate 47 years-worth of data, I’m just going to pick on 1968’s mortality rates instead.

According to the US Census Bureau, the population that year was approximately ~200,700,000. Referencing the Vital Statistics of the United States 1968 Volume II – Mortality Part A , the total death count was 1,930,082.

That’s over half a million more deaths than all of the American casualties of every US war in American history combined! Impressive, huh?

Of those, 9,425 people reportedly died from “firearms and explosives.” It doesn’t break that figure down to gun-related deaths only, nor does it distinguish between homicide, suicide, war or accidents. That’s accounts for a whole 0.488% of the total death count that year. This is about 1/6th the number of motor-vehicle deaths, which came to 54,862, or about 5.7 times as many deaths by vehicle as there were by firearms and explosives.

The point (if there is one) is this: I can quote unqualified, out-of-context statistics based on incomplete/erroneous “data” to make bogus conclusions too!

In Summary

  • Think for yourself. Don’t rely on eye-grabby statistics
  • Do your own homework and take other facets into consideration
  • Terminator robots aren’t a good source of important information…yet

Titus Pullo’ed Pork

Print Recipe

This sandwich is worth half the whores in Narbo (and their mothers)! Serves: The entire 13th legion! Well a couple of them anyhow... Prep: I don't know, you're the clever one!! Cook Time: Enough time to drink all the wine, smoke all the smoke and f*** every whore in the city!
Prep Time20 minutes
Cook Time8 hours
Course: Main Dish
Cuisine: Roman
Keyword: 13th, Legion, Narbo, Pulled Pork, Titus Pullo, Whores
Servings: 1 Roman Legion
Calories: 635kcal
Author: Big Jim

Ingredients

  • 12 lbs pork roast bone-in
  • 32 oz pepperoncini peppers deli-sliced in brine
  • 1 medium white onion cut lengthwise
  • 1 lbs sweet peppers (red, orange, yellow) cut lengthwise
  • 2 whole bayleaves
  • 1/3 cup Worchestershire Sauce mmm umami
  • 4 packages Ciabatta rolls Good bread, this.
  • 3 tbsp garlic minced
  • 1 tbsp oregano
  • 1 tsp Kosher salt
  • 1 tsp black pepper or to taste

Instructions

  • This is an easy dish to make. Just toss all the mumping ingredients into a large electric roaster and set the cack-faced dial to 225 degree F.
  • Add enough water to cover about a quarter of the roast and let it cook until it falls apart. Perfect slow cook dish to set up overnight while sleeping!
  • Shred the pork up and serve on a toasted ciabatta (or any other true roman bread, for true romans...ciabatta probably isn't, but shut up and eat it anyhow...) making sure the bread is wet as October with the broth. Great with a bit of spicy giardiniera if you like it hot as Vulcan's cock.

Notes

Before eating, make sure stab the sandwich with your Gladius repeatedly while shouting, "THIRTEEEEEENTH!!! THIRTEEEEEEEEEENTH!!!"

Meat Puppetry: Photographs

“The last time we [Joe and Jim] were close enough to be photographed together, a gravitational singularity occurred. This resulted in the destruction of a small convenience store and goat farm in eastern Oregon. It’s for the best that we don’t post pictures now. Think of the goats.” – Big Jim, August 24, 2015

Robots

The other night, I was suspected of being a robot, not-so-cleverly disguised as a person while chatting with my new friend on the ‘twit. I assured Ali that I did not consort with the robit kind, nor could my Dyson vacuum with the pet cleaner attachment build a Terminator…yet.

This seemed like a good opportunity to warn Ali of the dangers of PowerPoint, but alas, Ali was unconvinced :(. I tried to call Ed Tufte, but he wasn’t home, so I couldn’t assemble the Psychic Technical-Writer Friends Network… I had to settle for a traditional fact-finding committee.

They couldn’t reach a quorum, and just when I thought all hope was lost, my astrologer told me that my metachlorian count exceeded my cholesterol level, and that I would die of the diabetus within two years. This is good news, because that means I won’t live to see the birth of AI and subsequent robot uprising!

Thank Dog for small favors.