We need to establish the ‘Cetacean Nation’. I nominate myself to be the United Nations representative to the cetacean nation. Then we will force the white man to give back what he has taken from us.
It is both a philosophical and cultural imperative to perform the seaweed dance prior to making contact with the dolphin spirits. Otherwise, our bodies will be unprepared to receive their awesome powers.
I, for one, have been performing a daily ritual of deep, transcendental meditation, followed by exactly three jimmy flips, two half-berpies and a Krispy Kreme enema to sharpen my senses.
So there’s this infographic goin’ around the interwebs about “The Hero’s Journey”. There seemed to be some strange parallels between it and my weekend, which went down like this:
NEU! is the perfect soundtrack for a flying guillotine…or any krautrock really…
Flying guillotines have awesome eyebrows…
Blind flying guillotines need both krautrock and big bushy eyebrows to guide them down treacherous mountains.
Doors are for amateurs, REAL masters just jump through the damn roof!
Jumping is a skill.
Holding your breath makes you light enough to walk on the rim of a flimsy basket.
If you’re REALLY good at holding your breath, you can walk across the wall and ceiling. This is the natural progression of the “jumping” skill, and may come in handy if you ever have to fight a blind person, or that Dhalsim guy from Street Fighter 2…
Flying guillotines have to wear a NAZI bib so everyone knows they’re evil.
Flying guillotines are vegetarians, which is also evil.
Thai kickboxers must snort and belch after every sentence – it’s a character trait.
In order to activate his ass-kicking power, Thai kickboxer must do a crazy little dance…serenaded by an invisible pungi.
Thai kickboxer has to prove his prowess by beating up a bunch of extras while his evil friends just kinda show up and get to fight.
That Yogi Tro Le Soung was clearly a rip off of Dhalsim from Street Fighter II.
Also, yoga is a form of Kung Fu.
Plus having really long arms lets you choke the bejesus out of people…who knew Yoga was so brutal!?
Ironically named, “Yakuma Wins-Without-a-Knife” does in-fact use a knife to win.
Ironically named evil Ronin are pretty in pink.
The penalty for a dine-and-dash in China is death by flying guillotine.
The most practical way to kill the real one-armed boxer is to kill all the one-armed men you come across – it’s not like China is a big place or has a large population or anything…how many one-armed guys can there be? Well, according to the movie, there were three.
If your enemy is too skilled to beat in a fair fight, just lock him in a burning hut and roast him alive. That’ll teach those damned foreigners to enter our open, regionally-unrestricted contests!
You don’t have to keep a life-debt to a foreigner if you don’t want to.
Kung Fu tournaments are a good place to see all the south-east asian ethnic stereotypes err “different styles of Kung Fu”.
Kung Fu tournaments sorta make up the rules as they go along…
…and have no discernible brackets.
Kung Fu masters who can walk on the ceiling use surprisingly little actual hand-to-hand combat, relying instead on elaborate traps. Go underhanded handi-capable hero! Yay!
In the 3rd world shit hole I currently live in, I discovered a rare and wonderful treasure called, “Paldo Namja Ramen” a couple years back. It’s a spicy garlic-flavored Korean-style instant noodle.
The Ramen Rater, Grand Guru of all things Ramen-Related (how’s that for some gratuitous alliteration?) thinks very highly of this one, giving it a 5/5, and I’m inclined to agree.
While they are good out of the bag as is, most people kick them up a notch with other ingredients such as eggs (usually boiled or poached, but sometimes fried), green onion, slices of meat, cheese, soy sauce, fresh veggies or whatever else is handy.
Even so, I’m always curious as to how other people prepare theirs, and on a whim, decided to look around on the YouTube and came across this:
You will never, ever, EVER make Ramen with the flare and gusto this bastard does! …and neither will I :(…
You may as well give up cooking altogether!
How can you, or I or anyone compete with that!? Have you ever seen someone fucking coax an egg out of a chicken in a kind of Gung Fu stroke-gasm?? No, you haven’t! Me neither, now that I think about it… buthedid it!
Hell he didn’t even look at the pot to make sure the egg he was cracking actually landed in it… clearly, he’s taken some pointers from the Cool Guys don’t look at Explosionsmusic video. Even so, ANYONE can not look at an explosion — but how many people can crack eggs into a pot without looking whilst pulling off an anguished expression on their face??
I know what you guys are thinking – it’s a commercial, they must be using CGI and other movie magic tricks to pull this off. I say you can keep the wool pulled over your eyes if you want to, but I know what I saw…
I don’t know what blue pill he’s taken to pull that off (Viagra maybe?) but dammit I want what he’s having!
“It’s like that scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where that guy I kinda look like rips that dude’s heart of out of his chest and shows it to him before he dies. That’s some ‘Mortal Kombat’ finishing move shit right there!”
– Satya Nadella on Windows 10…probably
Windows 10 has brought with it some glorious new features as some users have discovered. One fine young gentleman in particular caught my attention:
Don’t listen to Venkat, that ain’t legal advice, he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about! So here’s my legal advice (check your mail for my invoice):
Bill Gates left Microsoft over a year and a half ago, and was replaced by Satya Nadella, who is clearly doing a fine job!
Your mouse pad isn’t working because you haven’t upgraded its driver to Windows 10. The firmware is corrupt, so you need to take it outside and beat it against the side of your shed repeatedly until it becomes soft and pliable again.
You don’t need speakers or the internet, both are obsolete features that Windows 10 no longer requires – these have been replaced by an infinite repair loop.
You can’t restore your previous Windows because Satya threw a brick through them. He’s angry at you and wants your business to fail. You must appease him with a modest donation of two thousand pan masala wrappers while chanting, “Satya Ma! Satya Ma Shakti De!”
You are indeed trapped by Microsoft and should accept your Karma. If you are lucky, you will be reincarnated into a Linux or Mac user.
Might want to know a few things before committing to the move?
I know I could have used some insight to help blend in with the locals when I first arrived! Here are a few tips that will help you fit in and avoid being chased by an angry, cheese-hat wearing mob:
There are just three seasons in Wisconsin: Deer season, Green Bay Packer season and mosquito season…and they overlap
Cheese can be added to anything! In fact, it can be a complete meal in and of itself. e.g. beer and cheese soup..recipe coming soon!
Milk is sold in plastic bags
You are more likely to be shown pictures of caught fish than their children
The entire state shuts down opening day of deer season
You’d better be a Packers fan and never say you don’t watch football! You’ll be looked at like you just landed on Earth!
Beer is a food group
Bucky Badger is a demigod, peace and blessings upon him
Wearing Mossy Oak pants and a blaze orange sweatshirt is semi-formal attire
Snow is a great beer cooler
Fishing isn’t a hobby, pastime or sport – it is a fucking passion!
If you don’t own at leastone boat, people will view you with distrust and apprehension
Never ever say you don’t like Culver’s Butter Burgers – them be fightin’ words!
Ed Gein or Jeffrey Dahmer don’t make for good table conversation topics
If you are from Chicago or New York, you will never have pizza again as you know it!
Bratwurst is acceptable for breakfast, and even encouraged!
Don’t let the snow fret you, the icy rain that will inevitably follow is much worse
Famous Dave’s barbecue is the best in the World! To say otherwise is akin to saying you hate Wisconsin…and Native Americans!
Although you can’t enter a tobacco store until you’re 18, you can play with Barbie dolls on a pool table in a tavern at the age of 3
Milwaukee is Algonquin for, “The good land.” Alice Cooper said that, and I believe it, and you’d better believe it too you unworthy cretin!
Outside of the authoritarian egalitarian progressive liberal hellhole, the good people of Wisconsin love their guns!
Towns have more bars than churches. Praise be Bacchus!
There are many small stores that sell everything from guns, ammo, food, beer, camo clothing and bait all under one roof!
Indian casinos, ’nuff said…
Everyone smokes, nobody quits
Wisconsin natives can’t even spell al pastor taco let alone make a decent one!
Frank’s Hot Sauce is not only considered to be good, but spicy
Sausage gravy comes from a can or packet; biscuits are of the frozen variety
People think Chili is something made with elbow macaroni
Cottage cheese is a substitute for ricotta in lasagna
You can trade smoked fish for a 4 wheel drive vehicle or snowmobile!
Most bars worth their salt have a monthly gun raffle
Between 2 and 5 A.M. Kwik Trip is considered fine dining
“The last time we [Joe and Jim] were close enough to be photographed together, a gravitational singularity occurred. This resulted in the destruction of a small convenience store and goat farm in eastern Oregon. It’s for the best that we don’t post pictures now. Think of the goats.” – Big Jim, August 24, 2015
