“Stressed” spelled backwards is, “Desserts.”
Think about it…
…and now I’m Japanese!
In his book, God, No! Signs You May Be an Atheist and Other Magical Tales, Penn Jillette fondly recalls the line, “And now I’m Japanese, so fuck off!” from the mid-80’s porno movie, New Wave Hookers as delivered by the late Jamie Gillis.
Unfortunately for Penn, nowhere in the movie does Jamie say this, or anything like it. What actually happens is that the “Vice Squad” busts in on Jimmy (Jamie Gillis) and his partner, Jamal Lincoln Bubba Washington to break up their “New Wave bitches” prostitution ring.
They confuse Jimmy with Jamal, at which point Jamal jumps up and runs off into the night in his fly, banana-yellow jumpsuit. Jimmy, in all his fo-punk glory, is left to deal with the two agents. What he says next is this:
“Hey, listen guys. Hey, I’m not Jamal, but listen, you take it from me. You’re smart enough to throw in with us, you can have any of these fuckin’ bitches you want, any fuckin’ day of the week you want. Get it guys? I mean, fuck it. Don’t you recognize me? I used to work in your fuckin’ office. And now, I’m rich, I’m satisfied, and I’m Chinese you assholes!”
Not quite the impassioned speech from Penn’s Clorox-scented memories, but there it is. Incidentally, this is all an inception-like shared dream between the two protagonists.
Does it really matter what Jamie (Jimmy?) said? Or is this just another manifestation of the Mandela Effect? Like the plastic-covered seats of a seedy porn theater from a bygone era, memories can be slippery.
Important Quotes
The Ultimate Secret to Happiness
Life is a series of lines in the sand; each represents a milestone, when achieved, will finally bring you happiness and contentment. I’ll be happy when…
- I’ll be happy when I earn my degree
- I’ll be happy when I land my first real job
- I’ll be happy when I start making real money
- I’ll be happy when I own my home
- I’ll be happy when I buy my first new car
- I’ll be happy when I lose 20 lbs
- I’ll be happy when…
On and on it goes, ad infinitum. Each of these is a lie we tell ourselves for the hope of what tomorrow could bring. We all need something to look forward to, otherwise, what’s the point?
The truth is, happiness and contentment are mercurial. It can’t be captured in a bottle and preserved forever in your wine cellar – and even if you could, would you really want to?
Try to remember the great times you had…
- I was happy when girls started to notice me
- I was happy when I stayed up all night with my friends
- I was happy when I quit a job I hated
- I was happy when I impaled myself on the tree of knowledge
- I was happy when I was a broke musician
- I was happy when I was 12,012.83 km from my place of birth
- I was happy when…
But don’t forget to take pleasure in the moment…
- I enjoy paying myself $75/week to lose weight by bringing my lunch
- I enjoy going for a 3-mile walk every night
- I enjoy my first cup of coffee every day
- I enjoy conversations with my friend Jim after work
- I enjoy laughing to politically incorrect humor
- I enjoy talking to strangers
- I enjoy making arbitrary lists…
Important Quotes
“How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 8:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?”
– Charles Bukowski
When a Stranger Texts, Featuring Judge Judy!
So there I was, sitting at home, minding my own business, trying to get some work done when I get this mysterious text message from an unrecognized number.
Hilarity ensues.
Observe, all:
I don’t know anyone by the name of, “Alisha,” let alone one with a cute ass…Or was I the one who has the cute ass? I think I need to buy Alisha a punctuation.
Instead I decided to just go with it…
I decided to play it cool here. A suspicion was beginning to well up inside me that Alisha expected me attend her friend’s party, so I decided to give her a lukewarm response.
As predicted, Alisha counters by announcing her intent to get inebriated, then inquires about my well-being:
I maintain a relaxed demeanor and wait for the veiled invitation that’s sure to come.
My assumption was that Alisha was into older guys and Jerry Springer. I considered breaking out Matlock, but decided instead to combine Matlock with Jerry Springer to form a two-person Voltron (i.e. the Brad Neely technique), resulting in the Judge Judy counterplay:
This is where Alisha demonstrates surprising resilience, undoubtedly bolstered by the Drunken Booty-Call Bulwark™ (DBCB) defense. My improvised Easter Island emoji didn’t stand a chance – oh the carnage!
I realized that Alisha was no slouch, perhaps even – dare I say it, a pro! The way she masterfully rolled with the blow, Fédération internationale des fessiers appelants perhaps? Maybe even a Grand Master??
It was then that I decided to risk it all on the dreaded Boer Goat Gambit!
It is like that scene from Once Upon a Time in the West: I’m a Charlie Bronson, and Alisha is the Frank, and the Boer Goat is my Colt Single Action Army delivering the .45 caliber coup de grâce.
But Frank, errr Alisha wasn’t going to leave us without one last death rattle:
I decided to reply to her rhetorical question with a matter-of-fact answer, then continue expressing my admiration for Judge Judy. I had prepared a 6-page story detailing the adventures I got into on my quest to seek out the new KFC Zinger sandwich I was going use to get Ms. Kitts back into the barn.
Sadly, the lesson endeth here 🙁 …
I haven’t heard from Alisha since. I wonder what she’s doing now? I wonder how her baby sister’s prom went? So many unanswered questions. As I write this, I’m left with a deep sense of gestalt.
The way I figure it, right about now she’d be waking up, fixin’ to recover from her hangover with a Zinger from KFC and sweetened ice tea…
Alisha, wherever you are, whoever you are, know that you will always have a special place on my internets!
In Memoriam
~ Alisha ~
Impotent Quotes
“Sometimes i too use big words, in an attempt to sound more photosynthesis” [sic]
– Fake Simon Cowell on YouTube
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FRESH MEAT!
Porker, The Quest For Independence
A couple of months ago, I took a stab at indie game development, having released small game called, Porker: The Quest for Tastiness. It’s a silly game with a ridiculous premise; become the tastiest pig possible!
It only met the barest definition of a game; it had objectives, levels, a scoring system, win and lose conditions. Nevertheless, those who played it really got a kick out of it, and I enjoyed watching other people enjoy it…sounds a bit voyeuristic, I know, but bare with me :)…
Encouraged by the positive feedback I’d gotten, I decided to beef (pork?) up the game into what I considered a more complete project:
- Added more levels, additional enemies and power ups
- Tripled the score system
- Included several secrets including bonus stages and puzzles within them
- Created a complex end boss with challenging AI
- Setup a menu/pause system and volume controls
- Made 4 possible endings depending on whether you beat the final boss, and what score you attained when doing so
You can buy a digital copy of the game on GameJolt for $0.99. I hope that this and other projects I will continue to crank out will allow me to earn a living doing this.
Try it yourself, and let me know what you think!
