Why we haven’t posted a new Recipe in a while…

In the 3rd world shit hole I currently live in, I discovered a rare and wonderful treasure called, “Paldo Namja Ramen”  a couple years back. It’s a spicy garlic-flavored Korean-style instant noodle.

The Ramen Rater, Grand Guru of all things Ramen-Related (how’s that for some gratuitous alliteration?) thinks very highly of this one, giving it a 5/5, and I’m inclined to agree.

While they are good out of the bag as is, most people kick them up a notch with other ingredients such as eggs (usually boiled or poached, but sometimes fried), green onion, slices of meat, cheese, soy sauce, fresh veggies or whatever else is handy.

Even so, I’m always curious as to how other people prepare theirs, and on a whim, decided to look around on the YouTube and came across this:

You will never, ever, EVER make Ramen with the flare and gusto this bastard does! …and neither will I :(…

You may as well give up cooking altogether!

How can you, or I or anyone compete with that!? Have you ever seen someone fucking coax an egg out of a chicken in a kind of Gung Fu stroke-gasm?? No, you haven’t! Me neither, now that I think about it… but he did it!

Hell he didn’t even look at his at the pot to make sure the egg he was cracking actually landed in it… clearly, he’s seen the Cool Guys don’t look at Explosions music video. Even so, ANYONE can not look at an explosion — but how many people can crack eggs into a pot without looking whilst pulling off an anguished look on their face??

I know what you guys are thinking – it’s a commercial, they must be using CGI and other movie magic tricks to pull this off. I say you can keep the wool pulled over your eyes if you want to, but I know what I saw…

I don’t know what blue pill he’s taken to pull that off (Viagra maybe?) but dammit I want what he’s having!

Windows Fun

“It’s like that scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where that guy I kinda look like rips that dude’s heart of out of his chest and shows it to him before he dies. That’s some ‘Mortal Kombat’ finishing move shit right there!”

– Satya Nadella on Windows 10…probably

Windows 10 has brought with it some glorious new features as some users have discovered. One fine young gentleman in particular caught my attention:

w10_2

Don’t listen to Venkat, that ain’t legal advice, he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about! So here’s my legal advice (check your mail for my invoice):

 

  1. Bill Gates left Microsoft over a year and a half ago, and was replaced by Satya Nadella, who is clearly doing a fine job!
  2. Your mouse pad isn’t working because you haven’t upgraded its driver to Windows 10. The firmware is corrupt, so you need to take it outside and beat it against the side of your shed repeatedly until it becomes soft and pliable again.
  3. You don’t need speakers or the internet, both are obsolete features that Windows 10 no longer requires – these have been replaced by an infinite repair loop.
  4. You can’t restore your previous Windows because Satya threw a brick through them. He’s angry at you and wants your business to fail. You must appease him with a modest donation of two thousand pan masala wrappers while chanting, “Satya Ma! Satya Ma Shakti De!”
  5. You are indeed trapped by Microsoft and should accept your Karma. If you are lucky, you will be reincarnated into a Linux or Mac user.

Important Quotes

listen

“When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it.”

– Yogi Berra

Addendum A: If you’ve ever run out of forks, you will understand.

Addendum B: Also, it’s not stealing if you call, “dibs.”

Addendum C: You don’t even have to wash it first, germs are good for you and put hair on your chest!

Big Jim’s Wisconsin Survival Guide

So, you are unfamiliar with the Dairy State?

Might want to know a few things before committing to the move?

I know I could have used some insight to help blend in with the locals when I first arrived! Here are a few tips that will help you fit in and avoid being chased by an angry, cheese-hat wearing mob:

  • There are just three seasons in Wisconsin: Deer season, Green Bay Packer season and mosquito season…and they overlap
  • Cheese can be added to anything! In fact, it can be a complete meal in and of itself.  e.g. beer and cheese soup..recipe coming soon!
  • Milk is sold in plastic bags
  • You are more likely to be shown pictures of caught fish than their children
  • The entire state shuts down opening day of deer season
  • You’d better be a Packers fan and never say you don’t watch football! You’ll be looked at like you just landed on Earth!
  • Beer is a food group
  • Bucky Badger is a demigod, peace and blessings upon him
  • Wearing Mossy Oak pants and a blaze orange sweatshirt is semi-formal attire
  • Snow is a great beer cooler
  • Fishing isn’t a hobby, pastime or sport – it is a fucking passion!
  • If you don’t own at least one boat, people will view you with distrust and apprehension
  • Never ever say you don’t likeCulver’s Butter Burgers – them be fightin’ words!
  • Ed Gein or Jeffrey Dahmer don’t make for good table conversation topics
  • If you are from Chicago or New York, you will never have pizza again as you know it!
  • Bratwurst is acceptable for breakfast, and even encouraged!
  • Don’t let the snow fret you, the icy rain that will inevitably follow is much worse
  • Famous Dave’s barbecue is the best in the World! To say otherwise is akin to saying you hate Wisconsin…and Native Americans!
  • Although you can’t enter a tobacco store until you’re 18, you can play with Barbie dolls on a pool table in a tavern at the age of 3
  • Milwaukee is Algonquin for, “The good land.” Alice Cooper said that, and I believe it, and you’d better believe it too you unworthy cretin!
  • Outside of the authoritarian egalitarian progressive liberal hellhole, the good people of Wisconsin love their guns!
  • Towns have more bars than churches. Praise be Bacchus!
  • There are many small stores that sell everything from guns, ammo, food, beer, camo clothing and bait all under one roof!
  • Indian casinos, ’nuff said…
  • Everyone smokes, nobody quits
  • Wisconsin natives can’t even spell al pastor taco let alone make a decent one!
  • Frank’s Hot Sauce is not only considered to be good, but spicy
  • Sausage gravy comes from a can or packet; biscuits are of the frozen variety
  • People think Chili is something made with elbow macaroni
  • Cottage cheese is a substitute for ricotta in lasagna
  • You can trade smoked fish for a 4 wheel drive vehicle or snowmobile!
  • Most bars worth their salt have a monthly gun raffle
  • Between 2 and 5 A.M. Kwik Trip is considered fine dining
  • Skiing is done on small hills, not mountains
  • Ducks are amphibious vehicles!
  • Fish fries are important community events
  • Thar’ be bears!

A Sad Day for Fellow Amerifats in Burgerstan…

Dr. Burger ‘Luther’ King, Jr. had a dream: That one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of the Big Mac and the sons of the Whopper would be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood, and combine to form the fabled McWhopper!

But alas, this dream is dead and buried. Heir Steve, the CEO of McDowner had this to say in response:

Dear Burger King,

Inspiration for a good cause… great idea.

We love the intention but think our two brands could do something bigger to make a difference.

We commit to raise awareness worldwide, perhaps you’ll join us in a meaningful global effort?

And every day, let’s acknowledge that between us there is simply a friendly business competition and certainly not the unequaled circumstances of the real pain and suffering of war.

We’ll be in touch.

-Steve, McDonald’s CEO

P.S. A simple phone call will do next time.

Note Steve’s (or whoever writes his statements for him) masterful verbal jujitsu! Each sentence is dripping with a ripe mixture of sarcasm and vitriol, like a greasy quarter-pound slap to the face and genitals! In Savate, it is called a ‘Royale wid Cheese!’ You know, because they got the metric system!

Of course, this isn’t the first time McDonald’s has drop kicked everything that made America great with a size-15 red, shiny clown-boot to the head! Let us not forget you, dear Hot Mustard dipping sauce, nectar of the Gods! Ye, who always kept it real, representing all that is good and just in the world…

That is, until Ronald McFucknuts decided to discontinue it in favor that cheep hussy known as the habenero ranch sauce. As if we wouldn’t know the difference?

Fries, McMuffin and Big Mac…all RUINED without that delicious, tangy tan elixir.
That sauce was concentrated childhood nostalgia in tiny plastic peel-top form. I wish I could have stock piled it, but alas – too late, too late :(.

Bring it back, you McBastards, BRING IT BAAAACK!