“How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat yer meat?”
– Roger Waters
Meatless chili is an abomination. There. I said it. I’m not sorry!
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It’s been unseasonably cold this spring. Greta says it’s because of Global Warming, but I think the Cetacean Nation is at it again. As everybody knows, a good bowl of chili is proof against dolphin-based climate hexes, so we gathered together the following components:
- Floor Beef
- Rotel tomatoes and green chilies
- Spicy V8
- Can O’ Beans (chili, kidney, and pinto)
- Six Demon Bag (also known as William’s Original Chili Seasoning)
I was feeling saucy, so I chucked in some beef paste purported to be better than a bullion. The result was a potent concoction that was fit for both bowl and dog alike.
As I waited for it to reach peak flavor, I scrolled through the YerbaTube and landed on this…
Adam starts off strong, showing off his vegetable wins-without-a-knife kung fu, then breaks out the ox tail. At this point, I’m starting to get intrigued, but then he brushes it aside and utters maybe the most blasphemous thing I’ve ever heard, “Who needs more beef in their diet!”
I do, Adam. I do!
Meatless chili isn’t chili! It’s beans in spicy tomato sauce. You know what we call that, Adam? Beans in spicy, fucken, tomato sauce!
You can make meat chili without beans, but not bean chili without meat. Then it’s just…beans…as in, “boring as beans.”
Have you ever heard anyone say “Boring as chili meat”?
No, you haven’t. Checkmate, Vegemites!
The bassist of Waters knew that you couldn’t have any pudding if you didn’t eat your meat, and so did the Chili Queens of antiquity (probably…cetacean needed). Not even a Ragusea can stand up to that cast iron-clad logic!
Don’t get me wrong—I like beans as much as the next person, but that doesn’t mean they can evolve like pokemens into a final, meatless chili form. That’s not how it works. If you’re a beans, the rules is different.
Contemplate this on the tree of woe.