Category: Quotes

Variation on a Theme: Life is Short

Prologue

“On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone
drops to zero.”
~ Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

As I’ve grown older, I’ve become increasingly more protective of my time. I contemplated why that might be, and arrived at the following conclusions:

  1. It’s Valuable – My time is worth more now than it ever has been in my adult life… education, experience, professional certifications… I’m not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but I do well enough that I don’t sweat the big stuff anymore…and get to pick and choose what I wanna spend my time on.
  2. It’s Finite – According to the actuary tables, I’m expected to be here another 11,000 days or so, most of which (60-73%) will be spent working towards retirement. So, if I’m lucky, I might have 3,650-5,475 [relatively] carefree days to enjoy what’s left (~14% of my overall lifespan). Of course…
  3. …I Don’t Know How Much More I Have Left – None of us do! I sure as shit didn’t expect Jim to pass away when he did… I sure hope I live a long and evil life, but I could just as easily fall off a step ladder and break my silly neck changing out a light fixture…

No More Mr. Doormat

In the past, I used to go out of my way to keep people happy – not because I’m a nice guy (although I try to be), or that I really care about what other people think of me, but to avoid the hassle of being on someone’s bad side. Honesty and fairness are important to me, and I try to be conscientious and treat people the way I’d like to be treated. For example, if a neighbor needed my help or expertise, I’d generally offer it if possible, and have many, many times. I don’t ask anything in return, nor do I expect it.

A couple of years back, I developed shingles, which manifested as painful blisters across my ribs. Movement was painful, and heat exacerbated it.  I couldn’t mow for a couple of weeks, and my lawn got out of control. Rather than offer to help, he sent me a passive-aggressive email to complain about it, citing that he found a [black] snake skin in his yard, and assumed my tall grass was the issue. By then, I’d given him hours of my professional time to help him with his website, answered his cybersecurity questions, and dealt with other inconveniences (e.g., interrupting my work to get his kids’ sports balls out of my yard). Initially, he was gracious and affable, but at other times, his requests started to feel like politely worded demands. Ashamed of my yard and embarrassed by his email, I spent $2,500 to clean it up, and $1,500/year ever since to maintain it.

Now, 8 months after paying off my home, I’m finally getting around to some much-needed renovations. Seeing the 14-yard roll-off dumpster in my driveway, my neighbor offered to “give me a couple of bucks to throw a couple of things away” in it. I don’t know why this bothered me so much – perhaps his sense of entitlement had gotten to me. Maybe I was just tired of his shit and had enough…

As Old Man Bob Heinlein, by way of Lazarus Long, once wrote:

Do not confuse ‘duty’ with what other people expect of you; they are utterly different.
Duty is a debt you owe to yourself to fulfill obligations you have assumed voluntarily. Paying that debt can entail anything from years of patient work to instant willingness to die. Difficult it may be, but the reward is self-respect.

But there is no reward at all for doing what other people expect of you, and to do so is not merely difficult, but impossible. It is easier to deal with a footpad than it is with the leech who wants, “just a few minutes of your time, please, this won’t take long.”

Time is your total capital, and the minutes of your life are painfully few. If you allow yourself to fall into the vice of agreeing to such requests, they quickly snowball to the point where these parasites will use up 100 percent of your time, and squawk for more!

So learn to say No—and to be rude about it when necessary. Otherwise, you will not have time to carry out your duty, or to do your own work, and certainly no time for love and happiness. The termites will nibble away your life and leave none of it for you.

This rule does not mean that you must not do a favor for a friend, or even a stranger. But let the choice be yours. Don’t do it because it is “expected” of you.

~ Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love
He’s right, you know! I’ve finally reached a point in my life where I need to take care of myself, my home, and my family. I don’t have the bandwidth for anything else, and as Jim reminded me just 5 months ago, life is short!

Let the Choice Be Mine, and on My Terms…

I’d replied to his initial email to let him know I received the request, but wasn’t sure how much room would be left over after I was done (true, but misleading), and that I would let him know by the middle of the week.

I feel sure he had no intention of giving me any money to throw his garbage in my dumpster rental, and I might have let him do it had he been more forthright about what exactly he wanted to get rid of… In fact, he didn’t specify until I’d called him and asked, and even sounded a little indignant when I didn’t immediately agree to let him do this, claiming that he could pay $12 and have someone haul it off for him!

I’ve had lots of junk hauled away over the last few years, and NOT ONCE did it cost me less than $200, so I don’t know who the fuck he thought he was kidding… I don’t want or need his money, but I resent the entitlement and disrespect.

I sat on it all week. Friday was the 4th of July, and in my town, fireworks are permitted the day before, the day of, and the day after from 10 am until hours after I’d normally turn in for the night. The dogs fucken hate it, the loud noises and lights scare them shitless (literally – their little assholes pucker up tighter than a snare drum, and they can’t squeeze a nugget until it’s all over)…So this time, rather than going out to the in-laws with the wife, I stayed at home and looked after our little fuzzy retards. All that to say I was already in a bad mood, and feeling petulant…
So bright and early, Sunday morning, after cleaning up bits and pieces of burnt paper and streamers that blew into my front yard from my asshole neighbors who couldn’t be bothered to clean up after themselves, I wrote the most polite email I could muster (names redacted to protect the guilty):

Hi [Insert Entitled Neighbor’s First Name Here],

Sorry for the late reply! It’s been a busy week and a stressful weekend, especially for the doggos… They’re terrified of fireworks, and being at the bottom of the hill, I spent the morning cleaning up fireworks debris that blew in from the rest of the neighborhood :|…

Now that things have settled down, I’ve finished my part of the cleanup, and there’s about a third of the bin left. I’d like to take you up on your offer to contribute toward using the remaining space for your own use.

The rental was $[not cheap] for the week. I can offer you the remaining portion for $100. If you’re interested, I would need your confirmation that nothing you dispose of will be on their prohibited items list [link redacted]. As the rental is in my name, I’m responsible for the contents.

Let me know either way!

Thanks again,

To my relief, he didn’t reply. By the time I’d thought to check the house for any last-minute things I wanted to dispose of, the bin company had already come and gone…

Whether the request put him off or he simply didn’t see the email in time doesn’t matter… It’s over. Of course, I’m such an asshole, I was actually upset (briefly) that I didn’t get a chance to check the bin to be sure nothing else was placed in it… I doubt it, but I’ll never know, and I’m fine with that.

Epilogue

Over the years, I’ve replaced all of the major appliances (AC Unit, Water Heater, Fridge, Stove, Dishwasher, Clothes Washer, and Dryer), so functionally, it’s in good shape. Cosmetically, it’s a disaster area…

Now that the house is paid off, I’ve been saving up for much-needed renovations.
I started working with a buddy of mine, but progress was slow because he has a full-time job as a maintenance guy for an apartment complex and is on-call every other weekend. Progress was slow, and while I was prepared to work around that, he had a sciatica flare-up, which put the kibosh on our efforts.

The projects languished for about a month, and after reaching out to a couple of general contractor referrals, I finally got one to come out and make a bid. It was a little more than what I wanted to spend, but within my means, and so I went for it!

We’re about 4 weeks into a 2-week engagement… the peeling drywall tape has been repaired, the walls and cabinets have been painted, and the new flooring is put in, the quarter round (most of it) is laid. All that’s left is one more day to paint the quarter round and do some touch-ups.

Once that’s all done, I’ve got a maid service coming to deep clean, and then it’s on to the bathroom remodels…Life’s too short to live in a nasty house, and by the time we’re done, it’ll be in better shape than the day we took ownership of it. I can’t wait!

If the passage of time has taught me anything, it’s that things that seemed to matter so much in the moment soon become a forgotten memory. What was it that Tyler Durden once said about this?

“Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken!”

No, that’s not it…

“No fear! No distractions! The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide.”

Yeah, that’s more like it!

Door Knockers

Disclaimer: This post is for informational and entertainment purposes only. It contains my personal opinions and interpretations of local ordinances and related issues. I am not a lawyer; nothing here should be considered legal advice. I am not responsible for how you use, misuse, or misinterpret anything written here.

My Fortress of Solitude

My home is my fortress of solitude. It’s not much, but I own it. It’s MINE. It doesn’t belong to the bank, and I don’t pay rent to a Landlord.

It took just under two decades, but I managed to pay off a 30-year subprime loan I couldn’t afford and should never have been qualified for, and I did it twelve years early. The Id crew waded across rivers, heh… well, I fucken crossed a goddamn ocean!

I did because hard work and determination mean something to me. I did it because I believe in the American Dream. I believe in “Fuck You”.

“…You get a house with a 25-year roof, an indestructible Jap economy shitbox, you put the rest into the system at three to five percent to pay your taxes, and that’s your base, get me? That’s your fortress of fucking solitude. That puts you, for the rest of your life, at a level of fuck you. Somebody wants you to do something? Fuck you. Boss pisses you off? Fuck you! Own your house. Have a couple bucks in the bank. Don’t drink.”
– John Goodman, The Gambler

I own my house, so that’s one down… the ‘couple of bucks in the bank’ will have to be my pension, social security, and any investments I can squirrel away once I finish my home improvement projects. I’m proud of what I’ve achieved so far, and imagine Big Jim is up there somewhere, looking down at me with that knowing smile, bong in one hand and his yerba mate in the other, nodding in approval, and pointing out that what I really need is a helper primate to feed me tacos… or maybe a live-in Thai ladyboy maid/masseuse with that patented Kung Fu grip!

I like spending time at home, whether working, playing games, making games, or just hanging out with my menagerie. As I sit at my desk, happily working to the clickity-clack of my mechanical das keyböard, daydreaming about being fed little tidbits of chicken satay by my live-in Thai ladyboy, some door-to-door douchebag inevitably decides to interrupt my tranquility, and that pisses me the fuck off!

Door-to-Door Douchebaggery

I made a custom sign and posted it on my front door (more on that below). It’s visible from the road and even features a knocking stick figure encapsulated by an anti-symbol for the benefit of those who can’t read.

Nevertheless, some of these determined dipshits remain undeterred and knock anyway. Given how little respect you’d have to have for me and my home, I shouldn’t be surprised by their undue familiarity, treating my private property like a public space, leaning on my railing or walls, their hanging their ads on my door, etc. all in an effort to try to sell me something I neither need nor want. I’m not a person to them, I’m a meal ticket, a mark. Sun Tzu knew that in order to thwart your enemy, you have to understand him…

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”
– Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Why D2D is Still a Thing

To understand why, in 2025, with the advent of social media, hyper-targeted advertising, and robots listening in on your phone and virtual assistant devices, would we need (or even want) a meat-based solution? The answer is simple: money!

Many of these people are 1099 contractors working solely on commission, so there’s almost no risk or overhead to the employer. They don’t have to pay for insurance, an hourly wage, taxes, transportation, or anything else. They often even make these poor bastards pay for their own literature! People who take these jobs fall into two broad categories:

  1. Self-assured, antisocial, high-pressure salespeople (you know the type, the sorta guy who beats off to that Alec Baldwin Scene in Glengarry Glen Ross)
  2. Desperate dregs led on by vague promises of unlimited earning potential

The high-stakes nature of this business model is pretty good at weeding out most reasonable people, leaving only the most, shall we say, “morally flexible.” These jokers have no problem bragging about their alleged exploits, even going so far as to make self-incriminating claims!

In one particularly egregious video titled “How to legally go door to door in no soliciting areas,” the presenter explains that he’s aware that a solicitor’s permit is required in his area, but didn’t bother getting one because he believes a good attitude and sunny disposition can overcome local ordinances. He goes on to suggest that ‘no soliciting’ signage actually means…

  • It’s old and was put up by a previous occupant, inferring that the current one was too lazy to take it down
  • The occupant is incapable of saying “no” and put it up because they buy everything they’re offered
  • It doesn’t apply to him because he’s the exception
  • It’s only a problem if you get the police called on you, but most people are unwilling to go that far

I harbor a special kind of hatred for people who hide behind a guise of helpfulness – like he’s somehow doing you a favor… that he feels sorry for you when you tell him to fuck right off – you are the rude one, you are the problem. You are a pitiable, dumb sack of shit who doesn’t deserve his help! That’s what he believes!

If he were an honest scumbag, he’d admit that he’s really no different than a Nigerian prince scammer… they utilize a shotgun approach to ply their racket, and the only fish they catch are the unsophisticated ones. These sorts are happy to be cussed out on your stoop; it’s a badge of honor! You were never going to buy anyway, so why not pull out all the stops and piss you off as much as possible while they’re at it? Every big dick salesman (and especially big dick saleswomen, let’s not be sexist!) knows that you should never take ‘no’ for an answer, and the sale isn’t over until he decides it is! Or the cops show up and trespass him off the property…

Here’s What I Did About It…

Door-to-door people hate this one weird trick, but there’s nothing they can do to stop you! Also, there’s more than one trick… but also, it’s not that weird…well, maybe a little weird…but let’s run with it anyway!

Got a “Fuck Off” Sign

For about $30, including shipping, I had a custom 12″x16″ ‘no solicitation’ sign made, and I affixed it on my front door, big enough to be visible from the road:
My custom FUCK OFF signThis design amalgamates other signs I liked with a few added personal touches. In particular, the 80-point font, which reads:

DO NOT DISTURB,
DO NOT KNOCK,
DO NOT RING BELL,
LEAVE IMMEDIATELY!

This tells them in no uncertain terms that I don’t want to be bothered. The rest of the language is deliberately chosen to align with my local ordinances.

Where I live, it is illegal to solicit or peddle without a permit from the local police department. The applicant must undergo a background check and pay a non-refundable fee. If issued, it must be visible at all times while conducting their activities. The ordinance further stipulates that they cannot enter or remain on property they have reason to believe they’re unwelcome and specifically mentions ‘no solicitation’ signage. Note that my sign clearly states in big, bold, angry capital letters, “YOU ARE NOT WELCOME.”

While Canvassers, such as your religious and political types, are exempt from the requirement to obtain a permit, the prohibition from “entering or remaining on property they have reason to believe they’re unwelcome” still applies.

Got a Doorbell Camera

This saves me the trouble of getting up, putting on pants, or even having a meaningful conversation! It’s double-plus good at queering their pitch and chapping their asses. More importantly, it captures evidence of any rat fuckery they attempt to perpetrate.

I Keep Large Doggos

I have three large doggos that lose their fucken minds anytime the doorbell rings or someone knocks on my door. Their trio of barks and howls only adds to the confusing, chaotic cacophony the door knocker has unwittingly unleashed on themselves.

I Control the Conversation

By this point, they’ve seen my sign, heard my dogs going apeshit, and are straining to communicate with me through my intercom system. Rather than allow them to make their pitch, I start collecting information from them…

  • What’s your name?
  • What company do you represent?
  • Where’s your solicitor’s permit?
  • Oh, you left it in your truck, did you?
  • Are you aware that local ordinances require you to have them available upon request?

If they don’t answer a question directly at any point, I interrupt them and ask again. Repeated failures to answer a given question will result in them being fast-tracked to “You are trespassing on private property, and you need to leave immediately.”

I’d Call Law Enforcement (but Only as a Last Resort)

I’ve never had someone refuse to leave my property when asked – at worst, they might linger in my driveway a bit, so I might have to ask them to leave a second, or even a third time, but eventually, they all go away… but if they don’t…

<real_talk>

There are documented cases of unhinged people having unhinged moments,  surprise visitors just walking into homes, or just hanging around after being asked to leave. It’s not common, but it does happen…

While it can be fun to fantasize, and I’m sure there are a lot of internet tough guys out there who talk about what they’d do in a given situation, it’s a lot less fun to be arrested (ask me how I know?). If a door knocker refuses to leave, don’t open the door, don’t threaten them, don’t brandish a weapon, don’t answer the door naked, and for fuck’s sake, don’t get into an altercation! Just [calmly] call the police and ask them to trespass said diptshit off the property.

</real_talk>

Denouement

Ironically, only one day after I posted this, some little shit decided to step up to my stoop and ring the doorbell despite the posted signage. Naturally, he didn’t have a solicitor’s permit, and when I demanded to see it, he played with his phone while my dogs went apeshit.

Eventually, he held up his phone to display what looked like a QR code and claimed this was his “license.” It did not occur to me at the time that he was lying (the permit is a physical card; there is no digital version), so I pivoted and said,
“Then you’re aware of the local ordinance prohibiting you from entering or remaining on private property where you have reason to believe you’re not welcome.”

I directed him to my sign before telling him to get the fuck off my property. He decided to talk back, telling me to have a blessed day, which only pissed me off further. It took a couple more demands for him to leave, but he eventually did…

The fact is, I let him get my goat, and I shouldn’t have let that happen…

###

My current fuck off sign is a vinyl window cling affixed to the inside of my storm door. It sits at eye height and is 12×16″ in size. Unfortunately, my storm door has a bug screen, making the sign a little harder to see…

I’ve been renovating my home (now that it’s paid off), and one of the improvements I’m making is replacing my existing door with a new, improved, deluxe speakeasy door with a badass iron grill and clavos (those big ass knobby rivet-looking fuckers):

I’m purchasing a new security storm door while I’m at it, so I decided to go ahead and splurge ($100) on a classy laminated 18×24″ aluminum sign:

Some of the improvements over the original include:

  • The addition of “NO TRESPASSING” and “CANVASSERS” in the header and footer
  • a QR Code that links to the local ordinances (gives them something to read while they leave my property)
  • Expanded language about the junk they like leaving on my front door (flyers, menus, cards, or ads).

Of course, dumbass that I am, I didn’t measure beforehand, and there’s not enough room between my doorbell camera and porch light, so I have to put it on the other side of the door, where it might be harder to see…

All my neighbors have these cutesy little planks that say “WELCOME” on them, so I decided I would get one of my own:

I went with a custom order, replacing the text with:

NO SOLICITORS!
NO CANVASSERS!
YOU WILL HAVE A
HARD TIME
TALKING TO ME
THROUGH MY
DOORBELL CAMERA
WHILST MY ANGRY
DOGGOS HOWL AND
BARK AT YOU.
IF YOU AREN’T A
FRIEND, FAMILY,
OR DELIVERY,
LEAVE NOW!
DON’T MAKE THIS
WIERD…THINK
OF THE DOGGOS

Lastly, I’m putting up a third fuck-off sign in front of my retaining wall next to the driveway (also visible from the street):

At this point, I have zero patience left for these assholes and will have placed three progressively more aggressive warnings, which, if disregarded, will unleash a torrent of profanity from both me and my brood. Of course, I realize I’m not dealing with reasonable people, and they are trained to ignore these, but I suppose a visit from the cops (if it became necessary) will change their tune…

Epilogue

It’s been a couple of months since my last surprise visit, and, thankfully, I haven’t had any issues since, but I have had my big ass Fuck You door installed, along with my outer security door.

Between that, and all of the renovations I’ve had going on, I feel like I’m in a much better place (figuratively and literally), and am less inclined to bite the head off of the next douchebag who steps up on my property uninvited…

Maybe I’m just keen to try out my new peep hatch?

Why Me and Adam Ragusea Can’t Be Friends Anymore

“How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat yer meat?”
– Roger Waters

Meatless chili is an abomination. There. I said it. I’m not sorry!

###

It’s been unseasonably cold this spring. Greta says it’s because of Global Warming, but I think the Cetacean Nation is at it again. As everybody knows, a good bowl of chili is proof against dolphin-based climate hexes, so we gathered together the following components:

  • Floor Beef
  • Rotel tomatoes and green chilies
  • Spicy V8
  • Can O’ Beans (chili, kidney, and pinto)
  • Six Demon Bag (also known as William’s Original Chili Seasoning)

I was feeling saucy, so I chucked in some beef paste purported to be better than a bullion. The result was a potent concoction that was fit for both bowl and dog alike.

As I waited for it to reach peak flavor, I scrolled through the YerbaTube and landed on this…

Adam starts off strong, showing off his vegetable wins-without-a-knife kung fu, then breaks out the ox tail. At this point, I’m starting to get intrigued, but then he brushes it aside and utters maybe the most blasphemous thing I’ve ever heard, “Who needs more beef in their diet!”

I do, Adam. I do!

Meatless chili isn’t chili! It’s beans in spicy tomato sauce. You know what we call that, Adam? Beans in spicy, fucken, tomato sauce!

You can make meat chili without beans, but not bean chili without meat. Then it’s just…beans…as in, “boring as beans.”

Have you ever heard anyone say “Boring as chili meat”?

No, you haven’t. Checkmate, Vegemites!

The bassist of Waters knew that you couldn’t have any pudding if you didn’t eat your meat, and so did the Chili Queens of antiquity (probably…cetacean needed). Not even a Ragusea can stand up to that cast iron-clad logic!

Don’t get me wrong—I like beans as much as the next person, but that doesn’t mean they can evolve like pokemens into a final, meatless chili form. That’s not how it works. If you’re a beans, the rules is different.

Contemplate this on the tree of woe.

Post-Modern Prognosticators: 27 Things I Learned From Watching Demolition Man

…I’m the enemy. Cause I like to think, I like to read. I’m into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I’m the kind if guy who wants to sit in a greasy spoon and think, “Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued ribs with the side order of gravy fries?” I want high cholesterol. I want to eat bacon, butter and buckets of cheese, okay? I want to smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in a non-smoking section. I wanna run through the streets naked with green Jello all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to. Okay, pal? I’ve seen the future, you know what it is? It’s a 47-year-old virgin sittin’ around in his beige pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake singing, “I’m an Oscar-Meyer Wiener.”
– Edgar Friendly, 2032

In 1993, the cinematic masterpiece, “Demolition Man” made some predictions about what life might be like in the future. It didn’t occur to 27-years-younger me just how accurate those predictions would be… without further adieu, here’s 27 things I learned from watching Demolition Man:

  1. If you’re short on toilet paper, just violate the verbal morality statute!
  2. If you live in a socialist utopia, homeless people will steal all your food
  3. Taco Bell will be the only restaurant to survive the Franchise Wars
  4. John Spartan doesn’t know how to use the Three Sea Shells (I could see where that might be confusing)
  5. Burning buildings are a good indicator that bad guys are nearby
  6. Police are no longer equipped to handle this level of violence

    Behind me is Simon Phoenix’s lair in what appears to be a mostly peaceful protest.
  7. We shouldn’t ask where the meat comes from…
  8. Rat burgers aren’t bad…
  9. In fact, you should be out there hunting rats instead of begging for vegan meat-alternatives (you can thank me later)
  10. Don’t face-time naked unless you’re sure you are calling the right number
  11. Commercials will infiltrate every popular media. Today you can pay to opt out, tomorrow it will be compulsory, and you’ll learn to like it!
  12. Social distancing stops the spread of STDs, the hunka-chunka and other recreational activities
  13. Sandra Bullock enjoys VR sex (presumably with hot anime girls, but will make an exception for John Spartan)
  14. In the future, all meetings will be video conference screens staring at other video conference screens
  15. Wait a minute, this is the future, where are all the phaser guns?
  16. Cars drive themselves (into walls, people and oncoming traffic)
  17. You are an incredibly sensitive man, who inspires joy-joy feelings in all those around you
  18. In the future, there is no more sarcasm
  19. Accusing the savior of your city of being in league with a multi-murder-death-killer is rude
  20. Sewers smell like biscuits ‘n gravy
  21. To catch a multiple murder-death-killer, you just wait around for him to kill another person so you’ll know exactly where to pounce!
  22. John Spartan likes the Chief’s plan
  23. Cocteau reminds Wesley Snipes of an Evil Mr. Rogers
  24. Sylvester Stallone is neither a blow-up-the-bad-guy-with-a-happy-grin-he-man type nor a moody-troubled-past-gunslinger-who-only-draws-when-he-must type
  25. I forgot to say, “Simon Says!”
  26. When you come out of cryo-prison, the first thing you’ll want to do is knit
  27. You can’t take away people’s right to be assholes!

The Nature of the Scorpion

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
– Ernest Hemingway

“Not that you lied to me, but that I no longer believe you, has shaken me.”
– Friedrich Nietzsche

There’s an old fable that tells of scorpion that begs a frog for a ride across the river. The frog replies, “if I give you a ride on my back, you’ll sting me!”

The scorpion assures him, “if I sting you, we’ll both drown!”

The frog accepts this as logical, and agrees to take him across the river on his back. About half way there, the frog feels a sharp pain, his legs go numb – they begin to sink.

“Why did you do it?” asked the frog, “Now we’ll both die!”

“I couldn’t help it,” replied the scorpion, “it’s in my nature!”

###

In other variations, the frog is replaced with a fox. Perhaps this was to illustrate that even a creature as clever and resourceful as a fox is not immune to the cruel indifference of nature.

A modern retelling has the fox place the scorpion on the end of his snout where he can keep an eye on him, flinging him off at the moment he raises his stinger. Interesting, but I think it misses the point (pun intended); The fox learns no lesson and instead, confirms only what he already knew to be true.

The last variation of the story replaces the scorpion’s fellow traveler with a tortoise. According Bidpai (as retold by Maude Barrows Dutton):

Halfway across he was startled by a strange rapping on his back, which made him ask the scorpion what he was doing.

“Doing?” answered the scorpion. “I am whetting my sting to see if it is possible to pierce your hard shell.”

“Ungrateful friend,” responded the tortoise, “it is well that I have it in my power both to save myself and to punish you as you deserve.” And straightway he sank his back below the surface and shook off the scorpion into the water.

###

The scorpion pretends to understand logic and can parrot reasoned arguments, but he is and will always be a slave to his nature. Is there any point to being upset at a scorpion for being a scorpion?

The lesson here (if there is one) is this: You can only trust a scorpion to be himself. And if you are going to try help him, you’d better have thick skin.

We Need to Establish the Cetacean Nation

We need to establish the ‘Cetacean Nation’. I nominate myself to be the United Nations representative to the cetacean nation. Then we will force the white man to give back what he has taken from us.

It is both a philosophical and cultural imperative to perform the seaweed dance prior to making contact with the dolphin spirits. Otherwise, our bodies will be unprepared to receive their awesome powers.

I, for one, have been performing a daily ritual of deep, transcendental meditation, followed by exactly three jimmy flips, two half-berpies and a Krispy Kreme enema to sharpen my senses.