Author: Joe-Jim

Joe-Jim is the amalgamation of Joe and Jim, the founders of this site. It's also a shout out to Bob Heinlein's novel, "Orphans in the Sky." The name is a reference to the ambivalent “muty” (being both a two-headed mutant and the descendant of mutineers) who lead the outcasts out of the darkness of religious superstition. Joe-Jim is the editor and co-writer of Pork Circus.

Why we haven’t posted a new Recipe in a while…

In the 3rd world shit hole I currently live in, I discovered a rare and wonderful treasure called, “Paldo Namja Ramen”  a couple years back. It’s a spicy garlic-flavored Korean-style instant noodle.

The Ramen Rater, Grand Guru of all things Ramen-Related (how’s that for some gratuitous alliteration?) thinks very highly of this one, giving it a 5/5, and I’m inclined to agree.

While they are good out of the bag as is, most people kick them up a notch with other ingredients such as eggs (usually boiled or poached, but sometimes fried), green onion, slices of meat, cheese, soy sauce, fresh veggies or whatever else is handy.

Even so, I’m always curious as to how other people prepare theirs, and on a whim, decided to look around on the YouTube and came across this:

You will never, ever, EVER make Ramen with the flare and gusto this bastard does! …and neither will I :(…

You may as well give up cooking altogether!

How can you, or I or anyone compete with that!? Have you ever seen someone fucking coax an egg out of a chicken in a kind of Gung Fu stroke-gasm?? No, you haven’t! Me neither, now that I think about it… but he did it!

Hell he didn’t even look at the pot to make sure the egg he was cracking actually landed in it… clearly, he’s taken some pointers from the Cool Guys don’t look at Explosions music video. Even so, ANYONE can not look at an explosion — but how many people can crack eggs into a pot without looking whilst pulling off an anguished expression on their face??

I know what you guys are thinking – it’s a commercial, they must be using CGI and other movie magic tricks to pull this off. I say you can keep the wool pulled over your eyes if you want to, but I know what I saw…

I don’t know what blue pill he’s taken to pull that off (Viagra maybe?) but dammit I want what he’s having!

Windows Fun

“It’s like that scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where that guy I kinda look like rips that dude’s heart of out of his chest and shows it to him before he dies. That’s some ‘Mortal Kombat’ finishing move shit right there!”

– Satya Nadella on Windows 10…probably

Windows 10 has brought with it some glorious new features as some users have discovered. One fine young gentleman in particular caught my attention:

w10_2

Don’t listen to Venkat, that ain’t legal advice, he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about! So here’s my legal advice (check your mail for my invoice):

 

  1. Bill Gates left Microsoft over a year and a half ago, and was replaced by Satya Nadella, who is clearly doing a fine job!
  2. Your mouse pad isn’t working because you haven’t upgraded its driver to Windows 10. The firmware is corrupt, so you need to take it outside and beat it against the side of your shed repeatedly until it becomes soft and pliable again.
  3. You don’t need speakers or the internet, both are obsolete features that Windows 10 no longer requires – these have been replaced by an infinite repair loop.
  4. You can’t restore your previous Windows because Satya threw a brick through them. He’s angry at you and wants your business to fail. You must appease him with a modest donation of two thousand pan masala wrappers while chanting, “Satya Ma! Satya Ma Shakti De!”
  5. You are indeed trapped by Microsoft and should accept your Karma. If you are lucky, you will be reincarnated into a Linux or Mac user.

Important Quotes

listen

“When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it.”

– Yogi Berra

Addendum A: If you’ve ever run out of forks, you will understand.

Addendum B: Also, it’s not stealing if you call, “dibs.”

Addendum C: You don’t even have to wash it first, germs are good for you and put hair on your chest!

Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics

A few years ago, I read a book by Joel Best called, “Damned Lies and Statistics.”

The title is based on a phrase popularized by Mark Twain, though it’s origin isn’t firmly established….goes something like this:

“There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics”

The book began with what Best described as, “The Worst Social Statistic Ever.” The quote was, “Every year since 1950, the number of American children gunned down has doubled.”

When taken literally, that would mean that 35 trillion American children were gunned down between 1950-1995. What the author meant to say was that the total number of child deaths by firearms in 1950 was half what it was in the year 1995.

Surprisingly, the US population grew by some 73% from 1950 to 1995, so it would follow that other counts, such as deaths would also be about double. Point being that statistics should not be accepted blindly. That brings me to a new one I saw today floating around the interwebs:

More Americans were killed by guns since 1968 than on the battlefields of all the wars in American history.

The specific figures are based on estimates from PolitiFact.com:

  • Firearms-related deaths between 1968 and 2015 was about 1,516,863
  • The total number of casualties related to all wars in US history was approximately 1,396,733

I’m not being paid to do this, I don’t have a professional research staff, and my Terminator Robot isn’t programmed to do that for me…yet. So, rather than gather and correlate 47 years-worth of data, I’m just going to pick on 1968’s mortality rates instead.

According to the US Census Bureau, the population that year was approximately ~200,700,000. Referencing the Vital Statistics of the United States 1968 Volume II – Mortality Part A , the total death count was 1,930,082.

That’s over half a million more deaths than all of the American casualties of every US war in American history combined! Impressive, huh?

Of those, 9,425 people reportedly died from “firearms and explosives.” It doesn’t break that figure down to gun-related deaths only, nor does it distinguish between homicide, suicide, war or accidents. That’s accounts for a whole 0.488% of the total death count that year. This is about 1/6th the number of motor-vehicle deaths, which came to 54,862, or about 5.7 times as many deaths by vehicle as there were by firearms and explosives.

The point (if there is one) is this: I can quote unqualified, out-of-context statistics based on incomplete/erroneous “data” to make bogus conclusions too!

In Summary

  • Think for yourself. Don’t rely on eye-grabby statistics
  • Do your own homework and take other facets into consideration
  • Terminator robots aren’t a good source of important information…yet

Robots

The other night, I was suspected of being a robot, not-so-cleverly disguised as a person while chatting with my new friend on the ‘twit. I assured Ali that I did not consort with the robit kind, nor could my Dyson vacuum with the pet cleaner attachment build a Terminator…yet.

This seemed like a good opportunity to warn Ali of the dangers of PowerPoint, but alas, Ali was unconvinced :(. I tried to call Ed Tufte, but he wasn’t home, so I couldn’t assemble the Psychic Technical-Writer Friends Network… I had to settle for a traditional fact-finding committee.

They couldn’t reach a quorum, and just when I thought all hope was lost, my astrologer told me that my metachlorian count exceeded my cholesterol level, and that I would die of the diabetus within two years. This is good news, because that means I won’t live to see the birth of AI and subsequent robot uprising!

Thank Dog for small favors.

50 Things I learned from Watching Real Genius

  1. Violet-colored lasers are the best choice for vaporizing human targets from space
  2. Shady military officials spend all day watching infomercials on yet-to-be-invented secret weapons
  3. The CIA officers kill off their only black guy because he doesn’t want to participate in their immoral project, just so that the audience knows how evil and dangerous they are (Cronan would be very disappointed)
  4. A 15-year-old with an impressive exhibit at a regional science fair can skip high school and go straight to college
  5. In the 80s, getting mice drunk in the name of science wouldn’t get PETA’s attention
  6. The CIA relies on teenage students to develop it’s top-secret weaponry
  7. Chris Knight is the only person who dreams about naked women throwing little pickles at him
  8. “Getting Down” verbally with freshman involves confusing whether or not you should check your references
  9. Dorm room closets are a fine place to put an entrance to a secret lair
  10. Sycophantic student antagonists who get too sexually frustrated wear mock turtlenecks
  11. Geniuses don’t waste money on coffee, they use dry ice slugs because f@#k the system!
  12. Mock turtlenecks are a sign that you’re fairly rare and very unstable
  13. Auto-electroshock therapy is an excellent way to treat a stutter
  14. Nudity is the best way to keep change in your pockets, should gravity reverse itself
  15. Students having mental breakdowns in the commons of Pacific Tech is not noteworthy
  16. An “I ❤ Toxic Waste” t-shirt is a good way to demonstrate your disdain for authority figures
  17. Geniuses have groupies too!
  18. Female geniuses have bowl-cuts, no social boundaries and never sleep
  19. Darlington Electronic Instruments Inc. isn’t stuffy about dress codes. And also, they have a Jacuzzi!
  20. Urinals are a great place to find a captive audience
  21. Being a laborer is what you get for not having an education
  22. Dr. Hathaway, who is concerned about being seen with CIA crony, builds large, conspicuous house with no apparent explanation as to how it was paid for
  23. Real geniuses rely on laser beams to guide them to important and expository destinations, such as Hawaiian-themed parties and satanic burger joints
  24. Inviting student beauticians to a Hawaiian-theme party is the only chance nerds have of ever getting laid
  25. Eating hamburgers gives you very large breasts
  26. Sycophantic student antagonists enjoy doing their professor’s laundry
  27. Renting out your son’s bedroom to your plumber is the best way to motivate him to stay in school
  28. Seeing a Lazlo in his pajamas is the most disgusting thing you can ever see
  29. High-powered laser experimentation doesn’t require adult supervision
  30. If you’re ever caught naked with a bowl of Jello, just tell them you were hot and hungry!
  31. Burning 12″ diameter holes in school property won’t get you expelled from Pacific Tech
  32. 15 is an appropriate age to be propositioned by a genius groupie (she did wait 3 years after all)
  33. 15-year-old geniuses prefer their first sexual experience to be with a socially awkward 19-year-old insomniac to an attractive and experienced older women
  34. Jesus wants you to stop playing with yourself
  35. Top secret military computers use 6-character passwords
  36. Being 4 hours late is a valid reason to ignore air-force base security protocols
  37. Lasers are a young science
  38. Dr. Hathaway can hammer a six-inch spike through a board…with his penis
  39. It is possible to synthesize excited bromide in an argon matrix
  40. Space lasers pop (but don’t disintegrate or char) popcorn kernels
  41. Popcorn (in large doses) is lethal to houses
  42. Prerecorded lectures are an acceptable substitute for actual teaching
  43. REAL Geniuses exploit sweepstakes rules to fulfill their materialistic needs
  44. Sponsoring a professor’s public access science show also obligates you to employee any graduate he recommends
  45. The best way to get even with your enemies is to take apart their car and reassemble it in their dorm room
  46. Lazlo’s computer is particularly adept at heightening suspense using 16-color CGA screen-savers
  47. ‘Dipshit’ is a good name for a first-born child
  48. It’s a good idea to wear Ray-Bans in lieu of proper eye protection when testing 6MW lasers because the audience needs to be reminded who the cool one is
  49. Any problem can be solved with a catchy 80’s pop song and a montage
  50. Getting even is a moral imperative

Quizzes

This morning, whilst eating my artificially-flavored cardboard doused in 2% milk (regularity helps stave off exposure to PowerPoint), I got a message from my new twitter friend, “Chistina M.” (@cmartinvacay). She wanted me to take her cool quiz, and promised me an awesome bonus!

A good relationship is all about reciprocity, so I replied:

“I don’t usually do the quizzes, Chrissy, but I’ll make you a deal. Study my presentation on how PowerPoint is the Devil, answer the following question correctly and I will take your quiz.

Q1. Holding down CTRL + ALT while clicking the ‘π’ symbol in the lower right-hand corner of a Mozart’s Ghost-themed presentation will:

a. Give Sandra Bullock the power of Epilepsy
b. Summon Steve Ballmer
c. Cover Walt Mossberg in Crisco
d. All of the above
e. None of the above”

I think that’s fair. Quid pro quo and all that mess!