Dr. Burger ‘Luther’ King, Jr. had a dream: That one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of the Big Mac and the sons of the Whopper would be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood, and combine to form the fabled McWhopper!
But alas, this dream is dead and buried. Heir Steve, the CEO of McDowner had this to say in response:
Dear Burger King,
Inspiration for a good cause… great idea.
We love the intention but think our two brands could do something bigger to make a difference.
We commit to raise awareness worldwide, perhaps you’ll join us in a meaningful global effort?
And every day, let’s acknowledge that between us there is simply a friendly business competition and certainly not the unequaled circumstances of the real pain and suffering of war.
We’ll be in touch.
-Steve, McDonald’s CEO
P.S. A simple phone call will do next time.
Note Steve’s (or whoever writes his statements for him) masterful verbal jujitsu! Each sentence is dripping with a ripe mixture of sarcasm and vitriol, like a greasy quarter-pound slap to the face and genitals! In Savate, it is called a ‘Royale wid Cheese!’ You know, because they got the metric system!
Of course, this isn’t the first time McDonald’s has drop kicked everything that made America great with a size-15 red, shiny clown-boot to the head! Let us not forget you, dear Hot Mustard dipping sauce, nectar of the Gods! Ye, who always kept it real, representing all that is good and just in the world…
That is, until Ronald McFucknuts decided to discontinue it in favor that cheep hussy known as the habenero ranch sauce. As if we wouldn’t know the difference?
Fries, McMuffin and Big Mac…all RUINED without that delicious, tangy tan elixir.
That sauce was concentrated childhood nostalgia in tiny plastic peel-top form. I wish I could have stock piled it, but alas – too late, too late :(.
Bring it back, you McBastards, BRING IT BAAAACK!